And That’s A Wrap!

Celebrating a new year doesn’t make sense to me. Or for that matter celebrating the end of a year. In my head it’s just another day and the new year means updating the calendar app on my phone and turning the 8 in 2018 to a 9 for a week minimum of January while writing the date because it’s 2019 and well, pretty much used to writing 2018.
Oh god, can’t turn an 8 to a 9….

As for how the year has been? Yeah, it was pretty awful. I remember thinking at the end of 2017 that perhaps 2018 might be slightly better because it can’t get worse than that
Boy oh boy was I wrong…..

The first half or more of the year was me in all honesty being the Duracell bunny and being excessively hyper about each and everything.
Even the smallest of things.
I was quite a bit dramatic at times and just…..cringey at moments. I read my texts from the earlier months and weep because I can’t believe myself!
If you were one of the victims of this extreme-ish behaviour of mine and decided to distance yourself from me then I don’t blame you. You’re right in what you did and all I can say is sorry. I ask for your forgiveness because I wasn’t myself then.
And I know why.

The months following that saw myself crawling back into my dark place.
And that’s why I was such at the beginning of the year.
You see, I went through this pattern around five years ago when I had one of my worst anxiety episodes. I was incredibly hyper and did some serious damage only to end up in the darkest corner of my brain. I also had isolated myself from the entire world for a little more than a year. Though it was circumstantial, I didn’t find it the slightest bit difficult to do so. It was as if I wanted to do it anyways. That I would have done it even if the situation hadn’t forced me to do so.

It was the same this year as well and that’s why I was all over the place in the first half of the year. It was like a warning sign for me that I will be going into overdrive later on.
Of course, I ignored the sign.

So yeah, spent the rest of the year being at my lowest. Reached an all time low when I didn’t want anything to do with anyone. How I managed to get up and give my exams is still unknown to me because I remember feeling like just giving up and crawling into a hole and never coming out of it.
There were multiple times when I wanted to stop all sorts of communication with everyone. I just didn’t want to talk. The only reason I refrained from doing such is because of the many promises I made to a few people stating that I’d never do what I did a few years back.

I just felt like shit. I still feel like shit.

2018 wasn’t my year. And I know many will sing the same song with me because I know plenty who feel/felt the same way.

This year was when I realized that I haven’t completely dealt with the fact that I’m not important. I thought I was okay but turns out I wasn’t so had to teach myself to deal with that.

I met new people and lost people this year. Emotions were high. I felt so many emotions this year which I never thought I was capable of!!

It was the year when I realized that keeping my emotions on a lockdown is far more better than being let down when I talk about it. Because when I do talk about it, it won’t be validated. And it won’t make a difference.
It’s better to suffer by overflowing my brain with my feelings and trying not to pop like a soda bottle than to feel rejected and hurt.
That I’m better off not talking about how I feel. Just like the old times!

The year had it’s few highs too. Most of them being achieving the daily goals I had set for myself and also how I went back to accepting myself the way I am. Realizing that I was being way too hard on myself and working on that was honestly the best thing that I did. It was time.

All in all, it was a year where I felt distant, left out, lost and hopeless. A year where by the end of it, I decided to shut myself out almost completely.

And I really doubt that things will get better in the following year. A change in the calendar year will not immediately bring drastic changes in my life.

So no, I don’t believe in the concept of “new year, new me” because I don’t believe I need to wait for a year to begin to deal with my issues.
They need to be done now.
Because I can’t take it anymore.

What is the deal with this whole concept though? If I am to follow it then I should be having 22 new versions of myself……what even?

If possible, I’d like to physically burn 2018. See it go up in flames. Maybe then I’d feel better.
But you see, the things I went through or rather still am didn’t have anything to do with the year. So it’s ridiculous blaming it.
Everything is a mess and there isn’t anyone or anything to blame. Definitely not a calendar year.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up and not have this heavy feeling in my chest.

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Weight Issues

I’ve always struggled with my weight. It’s probably one of the earliest memories that I have. Everyone that saw me always had quite a bit to say.
Quite a lot really.
And it has never stopped.
Not even now.

I was born underweight. It wasn’t a huge deal to my parents as this is sort of common in my family. Growing up, I never really put on much weight. I was an underweight kid. Skinny and small – these are the perfect adjectives to describe my younger self.
Somehow these adjectives followed me till I grew up. It’s these words that still describe me till date.

Yeah, you guessed it. This is a rant about being skinny – shamed.

So yup. I’m excessively thin. I’m not the dictionary definition of “skinny” but that’s the tag I have gotten by everyone. Who knows, maybe I am skinny but my tendency to take words literally is what makes me not believe it.

I, on a regular hear comments about my weight. I hear things like,
“Be careful the wind is strong! You’ll fly away!”
“You buy your clothes from the children’s section right?”
“Do you not eat?”
“Eat more”
“Girl, exercise”
“You might even fit in my pocket”
“You can be folded”
“How are you even standing?”
“Anyone can just pick you up”

What doesn’t help my case is the fact that I’m short. Short and skinny, can you even imagine what I hear everyday?
No you can’t
Because you probably say it too

 

Two weeks back, I had some relatives over for dinner. These are the kind of relatives that I love.
As I was staring at my wardrobe (this is how I select clothes. I just stare at them 💁) this one kurti spoke to me. I took it out and first thing that came to my mind was, “This kurti doesn’t make you look too thin. Wear it and you’ll escape the “you’ve lost so much weight” comments that are coming your way”
And I did.
I wore that kurti.
Because I didn’t want to hear those comments.
And that’s when it clicked me.
This is what I have become now.

If you were to see me when I was seven years old, you’d always find me in overalls. I loved them so much, I had around five kinds of overalls. All different from each other.

This aunty once told my mom, “She looks more thin in overalls. She looks like a stick. Frocks are better at least.”

I never wore overalls after that.

Which kid is supposed to think about their body and not just wear what she wants?
Is it right for a 7 year old to be subjected to that kind of cruelty?

I looked at myself in the full length mirror in my parents’ bedroom and said to myself, “I really do look like a stick. No wonder I hear such bad stuff. I look bad”

And that’s when I started getting super insecure about my body.

Each and every comment made about me by family members and friends’ parents were audible now. I heard everything but never reacted to them as my parents also always seemed to agree with them. It just broke me because I started to believe that I looked horrible. I started believing every word that everyone around me said.

The girl who loved wearing knee length skirts one day just stopped wearing them because she heard a comment saying she had, “chicken legs” once. She doesn’t even remember who told it, but that sentence haunted her for the rest of her life.

Tell me, is that really normal?

When I was around 15 years old, I decided to stop feeling this bad about myself and try and turn things around. That it was time I stopped feeling ugly and owned how I looked completely.
I need to feel good about myself because I should.
None of this is my fault. I shouldn’t punish myself.

I did just that. It took me years to finally feel good about myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin. To actually be okay with how I was.
I put the whole world on mute.

But somehow now, everyone isn’t on mute anymore.

The past two – three years or so have been incredibly tough on my body. I’ve been losing a lot of weight. I personally don’t mind it because I know why it is happening, but somehow everyone around me has something to say and it has started pricking me.
Because this time, it’s worse.

What I hear today, are jokes. Actual jokes made in front of other people.
And these hurt.

Somehow my identity today is that I’m super thin and can “fly away at any given time”. Anything that I do or say in life doesn’t really matter anymore. It doesn’t contribute to my identity.
This one, physical attribute of mine, upon which I have no control over, is what I will forever be known as.

And you know what? That’s wrong.
Because these “jokes” have brought my insecurities back.
And that, isn’t fair.

How dare you joke about me?
When did I tell you that it’s okay?
Who told you that you’re allowed to make me feel insecure about my own self?
Who gave you permission to make me feel ugly?
Who asked you for your “advice”?
Why can’t you understand that you need to stop when I tell you to?
Why do you feel it’s okay to comment about my body?

There is a limit to everything. Sure, the comments that my close friends tell me don’t affect me one bit. On the contrary I laugh with them. Not a word they say on this topic affect me or my self esteem in any way.
Because they don’t say anything that hurts me. They, are in there limits.

But not everyone is. You can’t joke about how you will just pack me in a suitcase or how I shouldn’t really pay for a seat because a person’s lap is enough for me.
That my friend, is where you cross all the limits.
And I don’t think you should be told all of this.
This is something that should come from within you.

If today, I have gone back to selecting clothes that make me look less thin as I go in front of the people that I love and care about, it’s your jokes to blame.
You have scarred me to such an extent that the little girl who was horrified of her body is back.
The one I took so many years to get rid off, is back.
And it’s your fault.

Today when I look at myself in the mirror, all I can think about are the jokes you crack as I look at my body.

And I, have had enough.

I have felt helpless and ugly all my life. It took a lot of effort for me to be comfortable in my own skin.
I can’t let my efforts go to waste.
I can’t let you and your jokes win.
I can’t let that little girl come back again.

You, aren’t allowed to break me anymore.
You, aren’t allowed to make me feel ugly anymore.

The next time you crack a God – awful joke about someone’s body, think about how it could affect them.
It doesn’t matter if they are fat or thin, there are lines which you shouldn’t cross.
Because you never know which joke of yours could lead to someone feeling disgusted about themselves.

I know plenty of others, my own friends, who have been subjected to this kind of stuff. I know how low they have felt about themselves too.
And it isn’t right.

No one should feel like they are ugly.
No one should feel that their self worth depends upon how their body is.

So choose your words wisely, because you don’t know what the other person is going through.
You don’t know their struggles.
Your words, your jokes, can break someone.

You don’t know how the sentences you let out of your mouth can shatter even the strongest of people.
Because this is a sensitive topic.
And it’s time, you find a topic that is genuinely funny.

Let’s not make people insecure about themselves.
Can we just agree on this?

A Bunch Of Words Strung Together, For You

Dear Shefy,

Welcome to a blog post dedicated entirely to you!
I hope that didn’t sound creepy oh my god it did didn’t it?

When our classes got shuffled in the seventh grade and we ended up being in the same class, I remember thinking to myself, “Isn’t this that girl I see roaming around during recess and near the buses?”

One Tenali Rama drama in the ninth grade later, you became close.

From the tiffins we ate in the second period because we both were always hungry, to fighting those bullies in class – in such a short amount of time we gathered so many memories oh my.

During recess everyday – me to myself, “she still roams around? Does this woman not get tired?”

Then I left. My memory of a few years after that are blurry to me. I tend to block bad memories because as you know, I choose to shove my feelings deep down instead of talking about them.
But with everything that was going on, you were always by my side. It felt like you could hear the inner me cry for help and you were there to calm her down.
At the worst of my times you didn’t give me sympathy, you treated me normally.
It seemed like you could see past everything that was happening, the monster I was becoming. I was still the same to you and today if I have my sanity intact it’s because of you.

You’re my personal cheerleader!

 

When I took an unexpected hiatus from the internet and disappeared on you for more than a year, I really thought that it was the end. That things would not go back to how they were.
A part of me believed I had lost you forever.
Why?
Because I felt that me not being around to make you remember I exist would mean that eventually you’d forget. The devil that is my brain made me believe that perhaps you talked to me because I’d make you. That now you probably were thinking, “good riddance” and thanked your stars for me taking a sudden exit from your life.
You probably didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and that feeling ate me up so much….

When I made my re-appearance, I was firm in my thoughts.
But boy oh boy did things turn from there.

You cursed at me for disappearing on you like that and thought I was dead.
I still laugh at this 😂

To see someone that affected by what I had done made not just my day but my life. I know you still hate that I did it to you but if I am being honest, I’m glad I did it. It is only because of that incident did I realize that even if I was a random message that popped on your screen rather than an actual human popping around you in reality, I meant something to you.

Yup, I am that selfish. I am talking about myself when this is supposed to be a post about you.
Like I care….

And it has only been up from there!!

As time passed you became an integral part of my life. I still don’t know how you managed to do that. You always complain about how high I have built the walls around me but somehow you managed to make a you-sized hole in one of them.

You and I, we have nothing in common. We are poles apart. You are so emotional and me, the complete opposite.
But I guess, that’s the beauty of our friendship. Two people with zero common ground being this close is not something anyone can imagine.
At least I didn’t.

Not being around for five years takes a toll on you though. My friends here say how amazing it is that despite the different time zones I still am this close to you. Little do they know that it might look beautiful from the outside, but deep down it eats you up.
It eats me up.

There are times when I feel like I need a shoulder to cry on. Times when I just want to hug you as you go through some of the most unimaginable situations in life.
Not being able to just sit next to you and tell you that everything will be alright is a fact that I learned to live with.
It isn’t a fact that I wanted to learn to live with.

I’m not a people person, you know that. My issues with human beings have been present ever since I can remember.
My entire life I have felt like a doormat. People came, people went.
But you stayed.

I have had this fear ever since a kid, of people leaving me. I don’t know from where it stems but it has always been there.
I think I was ten years old when this fear set in.
All I did was not let people in because I always felt that one fine day they’ll leave.
But you never left.

Even after seeing the absolute mess that I am – the weird little girl with problems bigger than her height and a personality that half the world doesn’t like – you decided to stay.

Three – four years ago I stopped attaching myself to people. Probably why disappearing came easy to me. I was convinced that the fear residing in me is true and I was better off without any people in my life.
What magic did you do to change my mind, woman?

Recent events that have happened triggered the fear I finally had gotten rid of. But it’s because of people like you, I know that even though the fear of people leaving me is present, I need to give people a chance because not everyone will.
And that’s why you’re important to me. You, without even realizing it changed so many views of mine about life and about people.

You restored my faith in humanity. If today I believe in people – it’s because you taught me to.

We think alike once in a blue moon and the only common thing between us is probably our extreme hatred for watermelon, yet we ended up building a friendship so strong that all the adjectives in the English language aren’t enough to describe it.

Your friends ended up being my friends and my friends, yours. Your drama with your friends comes to me as you seek solutions and my whining and ranting about India and our society comes to you.
From sending screenshots of others’ messages to each other and asking, “what do I say now?” or my personal favourite, “look what they said!”, to sending voice-notes detailing the other about our day – we do it all.

For the others reading this as it’s on a public platform and have no idea what is going on, this best friend of mine is getting married and I am getting emotional.
She isn’t dying
I know that’s what you thought. Shush

So bebz, you’re getting married to the love of your life. Your story is something that I’ve read about or seen in movies.
When you told me your story I thought to myself, “um, did she just narrate a movie plot? Do these things happen in real?”

It does. You’re living proof.

You’re a fighter. You’re an inspiration.
You’re story makes me believe in love.
I don’t believe for myself, duh. But I guess I believe that there are people like you out there, the rarest of the rare, who show the world the very fact we have grown up watching on our screens – that true love exists.
A love that sees no boundary, no time and no place. A love so strong that it could fight the most painful struggles and still come out strong.

A love that gets a happy ending.

You getting married is like the end of an era. You’re so willingly giving up almost your entire life to be with the man who won your heart.
It’s not something you see on a daily basis. And I consider myself lucky to be witnessing this.
I consider myself lucky to have you in my life.

I don’t like change.
But this change is something I’m looking forward to as it is going to bring you the happiness that you oh so much deserve.
And seeing you happy is all I want.

I know you’re a materialistic person. And this is far from a gift that you’d like. I made you read even though you hate reading. It’s the most awful gift to give you, actually!
But as of now I can’t give you anything in the material form.
I hope for the time being this is enough because if I decided to tell you how I feel, it means you’re pretty darn special to me.
You’re lucky to have me in your life!

Thank you for always being there for me. I won’t be telling you all the other sappy stuff.
Because I ain’t going anywhere.

This isn’t a “bye” but a new “hello” as you step into this new chapter of your life.

I believe I have made you feel important enough. More than this you don’t deserve so now I stop.

I’ll see you in your messages after this.

Yours,
Kitty

Versions

Who am I to you?
Just another human walking the surface of the planet
That you happened to cross
And now regret?

Who am I to you?
Just another contact on your phone
The one you’ll remember
Only when you need something?

Who am I to you?
Just one of your many friends
In whom you’re slowly losing interest
Making you re-think your past decisions
But it’s too late today
So you’re just keeping up for old time’s sake?

Who am I to you?
Just another person you know
Whose company you don’t really enjoy
But in a place like this
Only a few seem tolerable
And somehow I fall in this category
So you decide to just pretend?

Who am I to you?
Just another girl who you find annoying
Whom you didn’t find such in the start
But then got onto your nerves
Therefore planning to get rid of?

Who am I to you?
Just another over-thinker and ranter
Who probably told you all the thoughts that swam in her head
Which you didn’t expect when you met her
Because she seemed calm and composed
And on learning the opposite
Makes you wonder how wrong your judgment was?

Who am I to you?
Just another woman with strong opinions
That tries to raise her voice on the matters around her
Because she can’t keep her mouth shut
When it comes to things she feels strongly
Someone you’d like to belittle?

Who am I to you?
Just another acquaintance
Who speaks about her mental health
Which you believe is crazy
As you were brought up in a society
Where issues like this is are looked down upon
Which makes you believe it isn’t anything real
And it’s just all in the head
So you’re going to discard the struggles
The struggles of functioning like a normal person
All because it doesn’t fit your idea of an ‘ideal human’?

Who am I to you?
Just another idiot
Who says “Thank You” and “Sorry” more than required
And almost cries when someone shows the least bit of interest in her
Because little things matter way too much to her
Which you find weird
Because we live in a day and age
Where one only chases the big things in life?

Who am I to you?
Just another soul
That you sympathize with
As you know about some of the skeletons in the closet
And maybe relate to on some level
So you just continue to endure me
Not because you actually like who I am despite everything
But in reality
All you feel is sorry?

Who am I to you?
Just another person you speak to
Once in a while
When she bugs you
Which is the only time you remember
About her existence
Because she isn’t important
For you to remember on your own?

Tell me what version of me
Is in your head
Is it one of the many I spoke of
Or one of the other possibilities
That are out there?

Because I have reached a breaking point
And I have a million questions in my head
Whose answers I need
To try and feel sane again

Dealing With The Inevitable

The wall clock displays 3:45 pm as the phone rings. The ringtone sends a chill down the spine. An odd timing for a phone call.

A contact who rarely ever calls is what is blinking on the screen

Mom shivers as she answers the call and says, “hello?”

Mom starts screaming, “HELLO! WILL ANYONE SPEAK?”
The phone call disconnects and mom looks at me. She says, “Keerthi, I’m scared. I heard people screaming and crying in the background…”

I slam my chemistry textbook shut and sit upright. We both just stare at each other blankly, me seated on the sofa and she standing in the balcony

The phone rings again. Same contact. Mom answers the call with a shiver in her voice.
“Hello?”

And after 30 seconds mom starts screaming. Tears stream down her face like a waterfall. I stand up immediately.
I know what has happened.

I go towards mom, eyes filled with tears and hug her. Probably hugged her after years because I’m not someone who hugs often. But I knew this is when I must.

She comes inside and just cries. Keeps crying and blaming herself and life. I’m in complete shock and honestly I was crying looking at her rather than because of what was happening. I can never see her cry. I cry when she cries.

She tells me to call dad up and tell him.
“Dad, grandpa is…..” I couldn’t continue the sentence. I didn’t have it in me
“Keerthi speak up! I can’t hear you!!” I hear him screaming on top of his lungs.

“Dad! We just got a call from our village in Karnataka…”
“And?”
“DAD!”
“Keerthi speak properly. I’m outside and can’t hear you properly”
“Dad a call came from the VILLAGE! About Grandpa!”

I was wiping the tears from my face as I said this because I had to speak clearly. He now understood.

 

Silence. Among the commotion all I could hear and feel was silence in that train ride. Neither did I know what to feel or how to feel. I didn’t know what to do. A strange feeling took all over my body.

I’m dealing with death for the first time in my life. I was going to see my grandfather lie still with his eyes closed like he was sleeping. Except this time, he wasn’t going to wake up.

 

My paternal grandmother did pass away nearly 2 years before this but it didn’t sting as much as this did. Maybe because I wasn’t that close to her as I was with my maternal grandparents. That’s what I believed then but as we arrived at the station I came to terms with the fact that the previous death did sting me as well.

I just didn’t realize it then because I wasn’t forced to face it so I did what I generally do – shoved how I felt right into a corner of my soul and went about my life.

This was different. I was now been taken to a house where I was going to see my granddad and family. Sounds normal except he is going to be lifeless.
I’d look at my mother and then look away. I had no idea how to expect myself to behave, what I would do.

I was creating scenarios in my head and was preparing myself for any sort of scene that could possible happen. But little did I know that no amount of preparation or imagination for that matter would ever make me ready for what was about to happen.
We got out of the car and I saw my mom’s elder brother standing on the porch, waiting for us. Mom runs up to him, hugs him and just bursts out crying and he cries too. Mom’s younger brother comes out, looks at them and cries too.

That scene was not at all close to all the possibilities that I had imagined.

 

 

My grandfather was nearing his eighties when he passed away. He had a natural death, a slow and very painful one. Painful for him and for the ones around him.

He suffered for nearly six months. In these six months his health deteriorated steadily and no one could do anything. From walking around aimlessly, he went to simply sitting. And from there, he retreated to his cot where he lay for nearly 4 months.

In his last days, he wasn’t eating. All this time even though he behaved like a small kid, he’d eat a little. But then he didn’t. And my aunt called us up asking us to come as soon as we could. To get our chance at looking at him for it could be our last.

The last time we saw him, he was all fine. He stuttered then, and walking was slow. But he was alright. Leaving the house, even in our wildest dreams we didn’t see this coming.

He was unwell and we couldn’t go to see him. Neither us, nor his two other sons. And we all wanted to at least get a glimpse of him. A last memory.

But that is life. Reasons upon reasons came up which is why we couldn’t go. Tried like crazy but it just wasn’t possible. All of them frantic.

At the last minute, everyone arranged it. Mom’s younger brother was going to leave on a Saturday evening and the elder one on that very Saturday night. We were going to leave the following Sunday afternoon.

The call that we all got?
It was that very Saturday. Before anyone could make it.

And that is why three out of his four children cried together even more than babies do.

It’s been over a year and the scenes following up to his last breath are still vivid in memory. Maybe, that’s what death is. Strange isn’t it? One minute they’re with you and the next minute, you have to learn to live a life without them.

I can only imagine what my neighbors in my hometown felt when their family member passed away. I saw him leave that afternoon. I turned around and that uncle smiled at me as he entered his van with other family members. Healthy and happy, being his goofy self he was hopping along with his niece in hand.

At 4pm, we hear – he is no more. Such a sudden death. And till this day, I can’t come to terms with the fact that he isn’t here anymore. I remember seeing him oh so clearly, the day he passed away. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that it would be my last view of him.

 

A visit to my hometown now feels incomplete. So used to seeing my grandfather being a part of my yearly visits, to now not see his wooden chair on the porch gives me this unsettling feeling. I recall the times when I was a small kid. A fussy eater, I would not eat rice which my grandmother would make me. Not being able to bear seeing me go hungry, my grandfather would ride his cycle all the way to the market just to get me a packet of bread.
I was too small then to understand at that time, but now it is these very memories I hold so close to my heart and at times tear up just remembering them.

All I can hope is that he’s out there somewhere watching over us and that we make him proud. That all the regrets he carried with himself about the life decisions he took, fade away and that at least now he doesn’t have to feel bad. That he did what he felt was best, and we consider ourselves lucky to have had his presence in our lives.

My baby cousin brother still believes his grandfather went to the market. He just hasn’t come back yet….

Countries Apart

It’s been a long, long time. The amount of time can’t be numbered. Well it actually can be, but it honestly feels like forever. It feels much more longer than what it has been.

Nearly two weeks ago, while chatting up with fellow students a guy asked me, “So, do you like it here in India better or Dubai?” And the speed of my response was that of the speed of lightning. “Dubai!” is what I blurted.
He was taken aback with how instant my response was. That I didn’t even blink my eye and just uttered my answer.

When I was about eight months old, my parents took me to this magical little country called the United Arab Emirates and I have stayed there for majority of the life that I have lead until now.

Indian by nationality, India is this place I’d come once every year or two years to visit my grandparents and extended family. A vacation spot you can say. A two month summer vacation would all be spent in a country which is my own. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I never really formed an opinion about how I liked India as I never spent a good enough time to do so. But ever since a little kid, I didn’t really enjoy the time I spent here. I love my grandparents but the country itself never had much of an appeal to me. I never felt a connection. Well I was a kid, what more could I expect?

Growing up, I was surrounded with voices. Voices that held the words, “India is your home country. It is who you are. You love this country!” so tight, that these voices felt like it had an underlying honesty in it. And I felt like U.A.E. is just this temporary place that life had us stationed at. India is home you know? India is what I should love.

Should.
Should.
Should.
Oh how this word echoed in the back of my head whenever I started feeling affectionate towards the country I resided in. Whenever I’d see those news headlines. When I entered this country.
A compulsion to love a country only because I’m from it. And I felt guilty that I didn’t.
What can I say, I was a kid!

It was only when I started growing up, started experiencing things by myself and stopped listening to the voices around me that I realized – it doesn’t even matter. What matters is how I feel. And what I feel is something I can’t help.

I love U.A.E. I love the life we lived – I lived – there. It was a life I could call a life. Not what I’m leading here, living here.

The guy then proceeded to ask me what is it that I love about U.A.E. That makes it better than India. India is my home country you know? India is my home, how can I not like home?

Here’s what I believe. Home is where your heart lies. Home is where you can be yourself, unafraid of being judged. Home is this sanctuary where you are accepted for who you are and are loved without any strings attached. Home is where terms and conditions aren’t applicable. Home is where you are surrounded by family – a family that loves you for who you are.
And I found all of this not in my apparent ‘home country’ but in a country that housed me for an unaccountable time of my life.

U.A.E. was this place where I could un-apologetically be me. A country where people from all over the world live in unity, one of the very first things I learnt was that humanity comes first. Humanity is what is more important than that passport you hold in your hand which indicates your nationality. Humanity trumps everything.

I grew up with quite an open mindset. And I knew I had a so called ‘open-mind’ only after living here. Because up until now my thoughts and my mentality was something so frequently seen, I never knew it was such.
A country where religion or the state of India you’re from doesn’t matter, I grew up celebrating various festivals from all religions. I grew up with friends all over India and not only learning but also enjoying their various traditions and customs.
We all were different and we liked being different. We accepted it wholeheartedly.
I grew up in a country that was incredibly safe. A country where my parents and I never feared of our safety. A country so clean. And looking at the number of parks and beaches that are present you wouldn’t believe that it is actually a desert. Ha!

Let us not even talk about the food and the malls there. It’s where I learnt that food is love, food is life.

All I got in India is a sight of aunties who are professionals in stalking people and have mastered the art of poking their nose in other people’s business. All I got to see is this unimaginable amount of bullying done in a school, a school which is supposed to be a child’s second home. All I learnt till now is how in the end a girl is supposed to learn all the household chores and that you’ll receive a stink-eye if you don’t know how to by those around you.

All I got to learn is how to keep my mouth shut because people here can’t stand opinions that stem from an ‘open-mind’. All I have observed is that it is very well possible to fake yourself in front of people. That it is possible to not only lie to others but to yourself as well about who you are. Faking who you are at the core only to please the people around you. To lose the essence of who you are because being nice to those aunties and nodding with whatever they say is more necessary than voicing those opinions in your head and demanding respect for who you are.

All I learnt is that it isn’t safe for me to step out of my house. All I have heard is how we can be divided according to our genders. A boy is a boy, a girl is a girl. There’s a box for everyone and you dare not break it open. After all, you are who you are right?

All I learnt is that perhaps humanity isn’t what comes first. Perhaps what caste you belong to, what state you belong to, which God is it that you follow is what is more important. That is what defines you, you see? Screw how good a person you are, I will form opinions about you based on an identity that you didn’t create for yourself but were labelled.
Labels. Labels are more important you see?

U.A.E. is the country where I found people who accepted me for who I am – this socially awkward girl with big dreams and a stubborn heart. A straight forward girl who isn’t afraid what others think of her. It is the country where my anxiety levels weren’t this high because I felt comfortable. I could be me.

My parents, who have lived here in India unlike me, today also long for the day when we could go back. They don’t feel comfortable here. I see a side of my mother I never saw before. She, she finds it hard to communicate with people here. To connect, to make friends here.
If a person like her, who always is the life of the party feels so, my state can’t even be expressed.

I will agree that there are exceptions in both the places. Neither of the countries are perfect. But this is how I feel.

U.A.E. is the country where my heart lies. U.A.E. is where I felt the most comfortable being me. U.A.E. is the country where I was accepted wholeheartedly, no matter how weird I was.
U.A.E. is where I could exercise my mentality without being judged.

U.A.E. is where humanity comes first. Not blood relations or nationality, but humanity. And humanity will always come first to me.

India might be my home country, but U.A.E. is what I will call home. I could be biased, after all I did spend my entire life there. An attachment will definitely be present.

This is how I feel

Call it what you may but all I know is that while I have one foot present here, another foot of mine lies in U.A.E. When that trigger is pulled and that gunshot enters the audible range, I will run.

Run.

A Quick Look At The Past Three Years Of My Life

Hey-lo humans who are reading this poorly constructed post!

So as you all know, I disappeared for three years from my blog because of a little thing called life. And for those of you who don’t know – well, now you know!

There are plenty of questions in everyone’s head as to what is it that happened in these past years. Today, as the title reads, I’m going to be addressing just that.

So let’s begin from the start shall we?

I had to move to my hometown as we, well, had to move out. My hometown is this area which neither is a village nor town. I like to call it a town-village. I have no idea how else to describe it. Is this really a term though? Or have I coined a new term? Am I the inventor of a new word? Oh my God…..

I spent seven months there with my grandparents, my aunt and uncle and my younger cousin sister. Also this dog. Can not forget the dog. Ugh.
In the start I had few bits of le internet thanks to my younger brother’s constant whining and crying but I refused to use it largely because I had to save it up for him. Things an elder sibling has to do. Sacrifices and all for the younger one. Pfft.
I only used it to keep in touch with my friends (read : annoy the crap out of them) and things were going okay, until my laptop crashed. Big time.

No internet, no system – living those seven months was a complete torture to sum it up in a nutshell. So many people, no source of entertainment, so many people, constant bugging, so many people.
Yes, I said ‘so many people’ a lot of times. Why do you ask? Well,  imagine a socially awkward girl among a whole bunch of people. Perhaps now you can understand how annoyed I might have been.
And I’m Indian. Add that to the mix. Now imagine the situation. Can’t? I never could either. Until I lived that nightmare. The horror *shudders*

Seven months later, we moved to a different place. Another crappy place. We didn’t have proper water facility for goodness sake! No internet again but finally as we were staying by ourselves, we got a cable connection for our TV. So I spent time watching a lot of series’ again. Boy oh boy was I so happy!
I’d go around saying, “My name is Barry Allen and I’m the fastest man alive! GO FLASH YESYES!!” My mom would just stare at me in utter disappointment. She’d say, “You’ve started again. Why are my kids not normal?”
Quick forward to the present day – my mom loves The Flash. When I used to watch it on TV she’d go all, “Woah!”, “My God!”, “This is awesome!”, “He’s so fast!” etc. She loves Empire the most though. She was shook by the season 2 finale and started screaming, “WHY DID THEY NOT SHOW WHAT HAPPENED AHEAD? WHO FELL?!” When I went home and binge watched my shows, she asked me to tell her what happened and I showed her the clip. She then proceeded to ask my father why is it that he unsubscribed to english channels. If he hadn’t, then she could see little glimpses as I’d watch. I miss mom..

Back on the topic at the hand, I stayed there for around 9-10 months I believe. It was until my school wasn’t decided. And when my new school was decided and also our flat picked out, we moved out to stay at the place where I currently am residing.

How has my life changed? Well, I ended up having two gap years after my tenth grade. I completed my twelfth year in a span of three months and somehow managed to pass with decent scores! I made new friends who are absolutely amazing and have restored my faith in humanity a little bit
I know, I know. Me? Making friends? When did this miracle happen? Yeah, I’m surprised too. Life is full of surprises now isn’t it?

Currently I’m pursuing my first year in the field of Engineering in a college away from home. Hostel life. BLAAAH.
Finally a step towards achieving my dream has been taken and I couldn’t be happier! Yay!

Situations were horrible and we faced a lot of hardships. Life turned out to be nothing like we had imagined and majority of the time we all were just really upset as to how events were turning out to be. My brother wasn’t the least bit upset though. He just was happy he got to see Power Rangers………………

In short, life wasn’t the slightest bit easy. When we thought things are starting to get better, this storm would knock on our main door and say, “Did you order for a problem?”

Things are finally shaping out better now. I’m proud of all of us for managing to keep ourselves together and come out stronger from the experiences. I know that all of this has made me so much stronger, a level of strong my twelve-year-old self never imagined she would reach.

Things are okay. Life isn’t great but it’s okay. And I’m fine with okay.