Dealing With The Inevitable

The wall clock displays 3:45 pm as the phone rings. The ringtone sends a chill down the spine. An odd timing for a phone call.

A contact who rarely ever calls is what is blinking on the screen

Mom shivers as she answers the call and says, “hello?”

Mom starts screaming, “HELLO! WILL ANYONE SPEAK?”
The phone call disconnects and mom looks at me. She says, “Keerthi, I’m scared. I heard people screaming and crying in the background…”

I slam my chemistry textbook shut and sit upright. We both just stare at each other blankly, me seated on the sofa and she standing in the balcony

The phone rings again. Same contact. Mom answers the call with a shiver in her voice.
“Hello?”

And after 30 seconds mom starts screaming. Tears stream down her face like a waterfall. I stand up immediately.
I know what has happened.

I go towards mom, eyes filled with tears and hug her. Probably hugged her after years because I’m not someone who hugs often. But I knew this is when I must.

She comes inside and just cries. Keeps crying and blaming herself and life. I’m in complete shock and honestly I was crying looking at her rather than because of what was happening. I can never see her cry. I cry when she cries.

She tells me to call dad up and tell him.
“Dad, grandpa is…..” I couldn’t continue the sentence. I didn’t have it in me
“Keerthi speak up! I can’t hear you!!” I hear him screaming on top of his lungs.

“Dad! We just got a call from our village in Karnataka…”
“And?”
“DAD!”
“Keerthi speak properly. I’m outside and can’t hear you properly”
“Dad a call came from the VILLAGE! About Grandpa!”

I was wiping the tears from my face as I said this because I had to speak clearly. He now understood.

 

Silence. Among the commotion all I could hear and feel was silence in that train ride. Neither did I know what to feel or how to feel. I didn’t know what to do. A strange feeling took all over my body.

1

I’m dealing with death for the first time in my life. I was going to see my grandfather lie still with his eyes closed like he was sleeping. Except this time, he wasn’t going to wake up.

 

My paternal grandmother did pass away nearly 2 years before this but it didn’t sting as much as this did. Maybe because I wasn’t that close to her as I was with my maternal grandparents. That’s what I believed then but as we arrived at the station I came to terms with the fact that the previous death did sting me as well.

I just didn’t realize it then because I wasn’t forced to face it so I did what I generally do – shoved how I felt right into a corner of my soul and went about my life.

This was different. I was now been taken to a house where I was going to see my granddad and family. Sounds normal except he is going to be lifeless.
I’d look at my mother and then look away. I had no idea how to expect myself to behave, what I would do.

I was creating scenarios in my head and was preparing myself for any sort of scene that could possible happen. But little did I know that no amount of preparation or imagination for that matter would ever make me ready for what was about to happen.
We got out of the car and I saw my mom’s elder brother standing on the porch, waiting for us. Mom runs up to him, hugs him and just bursts out crying and he cries too. Mom’s younger brother comes out, looks at them and cries too.

That scene was not at all close to all the possibilities that I had imagined.

 

 

My grandfather was nearing his eighties when he passed away. He had a natural death, a slow and very painful one. Painful for him and for the ones around him.

He suffered for nearly six months. In these six months his health deteriorated steadily and no one could do anything. From walking around aimlessly, he went to simply sitting. And from there, he retreated to his cot where he lay for nearly 4 months.

In his last days, he wasn’t eating. All this time even though he behaved like a small kid, he’d eat a little. But then he didn’t. And my aunt called us up asking us to come as soon as we could. To get our chance at looking at him for it could be our last.

The last time we saw him, he was all fine. He stuttered then, and walking was slow. But he was alright. Leaving the house, even in our wildest dreams we didn’t see this coming.

He was unwell and we couldn’t go to see him. Neither us, nor his two other sons. And we all wanted to at least get a glimpse of him. A last memory.

But that is life. Reasons upon reasons came up which is why we couldn’t go. Tried like crazy but it just wasn’t possible. All of them frantic.

At the last minute, everyone arranged it. Mom’s younger brother was going to leave on a Saturday evening and the elder one on that very Saturday night. We were going to leave the following Sunday afternoon.

The call that we all got?
It was that very Saturday. Before anyone could make it.

And that is why three out of his four children cried together even more than babies do.

2

It’s been over a year and the scenes following up to his last breath are still vivid in memory. Maybe, that’s what death is. Strange isn’t it? One minute they’re with you and the next minute, you have to learn to live a life without them.

I can only imagine what my neighbors in my hometown felt when their family member passed away. I saw him leave that afternoon. I turned around and that uncle smiled at me as he entered his van with other family members. Healthy and happy, being his goofy self he was hopping along with his niece in hand.

At 4pm, we hear – he is no more. Such a sudden death. And till this day, I can’t come to terms with the fact that he isn’t here anymore. I remember seeing him oh so clearly, the day he passed away. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that it would be my last view of him.

 

A visit to my hometown now feels incomplete. So used to seeing my grandfather being a part of my yearly visits, to now not see his wooden chair on the porch gives me this unsettling feeling. I recall the times when I was a small kid. A fussy eater, I would not eat rice which my grandmother would make me. Not being able to bear seeing me go hungry, my grandfather would ride his cycle all the way to the market just to get me a packet of bread.
I was too small then to understand at that time, but now it is these very memories I hold so close to my heart and at times tear up just remembering them.

3

All I can hope is that he’s out there somewhere watching over us and that we make him proud. That all the regrets he carried with himself about the life decisions he took, fade away and that at least now he doesn’t have to feel bad. That he did what he felt was best, and we consider ourselves lucky to have had his presence in our lives.

My baby cousin brother still believes his grandfather went to the market. He just hasn’t come back yet….

Advertisements

A Quick Look At The Past Three Years Of My Life

Hey-lo humans who are reading this poorly constructed post!

So as you all know, I disappeared for three years from my blog because of a little thing called life. And for those of you who don’t know – well, now you know!

There are plenty of questions in everyone’s head as to what is it that happened in these past years. Today, as the title reads, I’m going to be addressing just that.

So let’s begin from the start shall we?

I had to move to my hometown as we, well, had to move out. My hometown is this area which neither is a village nor town. I like to call it a town-village. I have no idea how else to describe it. Is this really a term though? Or have I coined a new term? Am I the inventor of a new word? Oh my God…..

I spent seven months there with my grandparents, my aunt and uncle and my younger cousin sister. Also this dog. Can not forget the dog. Ugh.
In the start I had few bits of le internet thanks to my younger brother’s constant whining and crying but I refused to use it largely because I had to save it up for him. Things an elder sibling has to do. Sacrifices and all for the younger one. Pfft.
I only used it to keep in touch with my friends (read : annoy the crap out of them) and things were going okay, until my laptop crashed. Big time.

No internet, no system – living those seven months was a complete torture to sum it up in a nutshell. So many people, no source of entertainment, so many people, constant bugging, so many people.
Yes, I said ‘so many people’ a lot of times. Why do you ask? Well,  imagine a socially awkward girl among a whole bunch of people. Perhaps now you can understand how annoyed I might have been.
And I’m Indian. Add that to the mix. Now imagine the situation. Can’t? I never could either. Until I lived that nightmare. The horror *shudders*

untitled

Seven months later, we moved to a different place. Another crappy place. We didn’t have proper water facility for goodness sake! No internet again but finally as we were staying by ourselves, we got a cable connection for our TV. So I spent time watching a lot of series’ again. Boy oh boy was I so happy!
I’d go around saying, “My name is Barry Allen and I’m the fastest man alive! GO FLASH YESYES!!” My mom would just stare at me in utter disappointment. She’d say, “You’ve started again. Why are my kids not normal?”
Quick forward to the present day – my mom loves The Flash. When I used to watch it on TV she’d go all, “Woah!”, “My God!”, “This is awesome!”, “He’s so fast!” etc. She loves Empire the most though. She was shook by the season 2 finale and started screaming, “WHY DID THEY NOT SHOW WHAT HAPPENED AHEAD? WHO FELL?!” When I went home and binge watched my shows, she asked me to tell her what happened and I showed her the clip. She then proceeded to ask my father why is it that he unsubscribed to english channels. If he hadn’t, then she could see little glimpses as I’d watch. I miss mom..

Back on the topic at the hand, I stayed there for around 9-10 months I believe. It was until my school wasn’t decided. And when my new school was decided and also our flat picked out, we moved out to stay at the place where I currently am residing.

How has my life changed? Well, I ended up having two gap years after my tenth grade. I completed my twelfth year in a span of three months and somehow managed to pass with decent scores! I made new friends who are absolutely amazing and have restored my faith in humanity a little bit
I know, I know. Me? Making friends? When did this miracle happen? Yeah, I’m surprised too. Life is full of surprises now isn’t it?

Currently I’m pursuing my first year in the field of Engineering in a college away from home. Hostel life. BLAAAH.
Finally a step towards achieving my dream has been taken and I couldn’t be happier! Yay!

Situations were horrible and we faced a lot of hardships. Life turned out to be nothing like we had imagined and majority of the time we all were just really upset as to how events were turning out to be. My brother wasn’t the least bit upset though. He just was happy he got to see Power Rangers………………

In short, life wasn’t the slightest bit easy. When we thought things are starting to get better, this storm would knock on our main door and say, “Did you order for a problem?”

Things are finally shaping out better now. I’m proud of all of us for managing to keep ourselves together and come out stronger from the experiences. I know that all of this has made me so much stronger, a level of strong my twelve-year-old self never imagined she would reach.

Things are okay. Life isn’t great but it’s okay. And I’m fine with okay.

The Crap I receive for Engineering

When you are 17 years old and advancing towards the last year of schooling, you’re generally interrogated by the people around you about what it is you plan to do after you finish school. What direction you are heading to is the first question anyone who meets you asks you.
It isn’t any different for me but I somehow feel that my choices are stirring up people other than my family and I.

If I had chosen a path that isn’t generally a preference then I seriously wouldn’t be bothered. But what amazes me is that I get all kinds of shit for choosing to embark on a journey that many, many people choose as well. I have assumptions, arguments and disbelief snowballed towards me almost everyday which to be honest, the 14 year old me din’t expect was coming her way.

With me being Indian, it won’t come to a shock to many people when I say that I have opted to do Computer Engineering after school. That’s because a lot of kids here do that. Why do they do that? Because even though there are thousands of options to choose from, majority of their parents have pressurized their kids to go for this. It’s a field where a lot of jobs are open. That does make a lot of sense considering that we live in a technology – driven world doesn’t it?

Because of the widespread attention engineering has been getting over the past years, many people have started to resent it. The number of trolls and memes made on engineering will take a century to count. Engineering is like this option you choose when you don’t know what you want to do with your life. A lot of people blame parents for this because they are the ones who pushed their kids into this path. They don’t let their kids do what they want with their life and hence we have people with no passion at all in the field. No one wants to learn something new or do something because they enjoy it. They’re just here because their parents forced them, and now they just want to get this over with.

If you have parents like mine, who want you to do something that you love, kids enter fields that are not engineering. They go for what they love and mostly, it isn’t engineering. But then there is me.

You see, my decision of pursuing Computer Engineering is totally mine. Nobody influenced my decision. I’m entering the field because that is where my passion lies. But most of the people I associate with don’t necessarily believe me. Shocked expressions follow with a little bit of assumptions.

“So what are you doing after school? Please don’t say engineering!”

“Uh, I am doing that. What seems to be the problem?”

“Oh my. I feel for you. My parents are also forcing me to do the same. I don’t really know why do they not think about us!”

“No you’ve got me wrong! My parents din’t force me…..”

“So your grandparents did? Or some stubborn uncle?”

“Nobody from my family has forced me to do engineering. I’m doing it by my own will!”

“Seriously? But ….why?”

“Because I want to? I love computers. “

“Are you sure you’re not covering up for your parents actually forcing you? It seems to me that you are.”

“What?! Why would I do that?”

“It’s okay. believe me. We’re here for you. I know your parents mean the world to you and all that, but we all are the same. You don’t have to cover up for them to make them look good. We understand you.”

“I don’t understand what is going on. I think you are misunderstanding me. My parents haven’t forced me to do engineering. They want me to do what ever I want to. I chose this. I want to do this.”

“So wait, your parents are allowing you to do anything you want to?”

“Yes!”

“Are you mad? You have such awesome parents and you’re doing this? Seriously? What is wrong with you? If I were you then I’d do something really different. Something I love. Why in the right mind are you sticking to this? You have a chance to break free. Why are you not doing that?”

If I meet someone and don’t have this conversation with them, then I’ll consider them anything but human. That’s how much I’m used to all of this. I’ve been getting this crap since the day I decided to do this.

I don’t really understand. Is it wrong to want to enter this field? Am I committing some sort of felony by loving this career path? Has the scope for this field really gone that low? Do we really not have people like me out there, who wholeheartedly want to do this?

If this wasn’t enough, you have so many articles that look down at people doing engineering so poorly. They’re treated like dirt. Why? Just because they’re doing something everyone is doing?
So many people say that people who are doing engineering are fools. They won’t go anywhere in life and success will never be theirs because there are thousands of people doing the same as them. You’ll only be stuck with that 8 – 5 job and you’ll never reach the heights. Everyone is only doing this because they want that good salary. It’s all about the money. And if you decide to study ahead? Definitely because you want even more money. You say you love what you’re doing? “You aren’t fooling anybody honey” is the answer one person gave.

I was receiving so much of trash, that at one point last year I just din’t want to go ahead with this. I wanted to just let it go and do something different. Maybe then this would stop, I thought. But the thought itself made me so upset that I knew that no matter what people or some bullshit article tells me, I can’t stop. My heart lies there and there is no way I’m turning back.

I am doing engineering. Computer Engineering to be specific, which I’m very well aware that many people do. But I like to think I’m different from them all because I want to do this. And maybe I will study ahead but not because I have money in my mind. I’ll do it because I want to do it. Everyone may think that I don’t have a life but I do and this is how I choose to live. I may fail but that is my failure and no one has a say on that. Not you or your article.

I don’t look down at people who have been forced to do this. I feel really bad for them and I do hope that they get to do what they want sooner or later. Maybe the jokes made are something they find funny. But I do know that even though people like me aren’t a lot, we don’t find this funny. It hurts us. It hurts me.
I can’t say that what everyone says doesn’t affect me because I’m that kind of person who wants to keep everyone happy and I sometimes tend to care a bit too much about how people perceive me. So all of this does bother me. But this has reached such a peak that I can’t even be bothered to give a damn anymore.

I have a question though. Why do some people write such bitter articles? Let me know if you know the reason.

A Rant About Those Manic People

I know, I know. I haven’t been updating my blog very well these past few weeks but I have a very good reason for that. The reason being annoying relatives who had come over to stay at my home for a week. Well, they said they were gonna stay for a week when they came but went only after 20 days were complete. 20 days!!

Since these people literally changed my life in these 20 days, I decided that they need a post dedicated to them. Not acknowledging them, but ranting about them. They deserve this.

Let me first begin with the fact that they just popped up on our doorstep at 5.30 am. We knew they were coming but we din’t know which day was it they were coming. Looks like they wanted to surprise us and they succeeded. I was super surprised. So surprised that I wanted to get a frying pan and hit them with it because who disturbs someone’s sleep?! I obviously din’t do that though. What I did do is pull my blanket over my head because the lights were switched on.

As soon as I woke up in the morning, there were two girls staring at me. I gave them a quick smile just to be polite but they continued to stare at me. I know I don’t look really good as soon as I’m out of bed but I don’t look that bad either that they need to stare at me for 10 minutes straight! After a while my brother and I went to talk them. We asked them general questions like their names and their age. They asked the same to us and that was it. We were just sitting there and din’t talk. When all of this got too awkward for me I just walked out of the room. Totally normal.

Days passed by and the only talking I did was with their mother. More awkwardness crept in the house and somehow I felt comfortable knowing that for once I’m not the only one in the house who has an awkward side.

The two girls then mustered up a bit of courage and started coming out of the room. They talked a bit and then it was all fine. The younger girl is just like my brother and the elder one is quite a bit quiet. That is what I thought and I told myself, “Maybe staying with these people won’t be hard at all!”
I have never been more wrong my whole life!

The elder one is 15 years old and the attitude she possesses is something I have never seen in anyone. She always talks as if she is some great person and I need to now bow down in front of her  because she is the queen of her land. Which land is this, I don’t know but my best guess is that it’s some non-existent land. She also loves daily soap operas and can’t miss a single episode. This tells a lot about her doesn’t it?

The younger one, who is 10 years old, is like the Duracell bunny version of my brother. Always jumping around and running in circles with no signs of stopping. But this isn’t the most annoying thing about her. The fact is that she likes to pull peoples’ hair, touch everyone, pinch and beat every single person living in the house! She always pulls my hair saying that she likes my bangs. She kept touching my skin because she likes “how it feels”. I hate people touching me. Absolutely HATE it but she won’t listen. She is also obsessed with the colour pink and loves Barbie to such an extent that she even dreams about her!

More than anything, these people don’t know the meaning of privacy. Alone time is something I forgot even existed. My life wasn’t my life anymore. Even my time spent with the internet was something they’d have their eyes on. Every message I send, every song I listen to and every video I watch ; these people would be seated right next to me and would be looking at everything. It doesn’t matter if I’m doing some important stuff, they’ll just stick to me and ‘observe’ everything. How could they come between me and my internet? That’s so rude!

Illustrations to show you exactly what I mean? Here they come.

This is me, everyday

This is me, everyday

 

This is what happened when they were around

This is what happened when they were around

 

To top it all off, these people don’t know how to behave in public! They’ll be running around the roads and screaming. The younger one sticks to me while walking and pokes me. They make decisions while standing on the pavement about food. They’re just crazy!!

It’s been a week since they’ve gone and I can’t begin to tell you how much I’m enjoying the peace and quiet in the house. The house is clean again and most importantly, no one comes between me and my internet now!

I can go on ranting but I think I need to stop now. These people are the ones whom I’ll never forget my entire life and this post is my way to get my anger out. I feel so relieved now.

Have you ever had any such encounters with any relatives? Did anyone for that matter make you go so crazy that you questioned your sanity?

The Pack Of Humans I Need To Call Family

I think one of the main identities we Indians have all around the world is that we have a huge family. I’d like to blame Bollywood movies and television serials for this. But movies din’t just bring it up you know? There is a certain level of honesty in this fact.

I remember having this one conversation with my school-mates while I was in UAE about how big our families are. While most of my friends were going on and on about their uncountable number of family members, I was just sitting there in astonishment. I then exclaimed, “Gosh you all have such huge families! My family at the most just includes my maternal and paternal side. And they don’t have huge families. I can literally count them!” My friends first laughed thinking that what I said was a joke, but later realized that what I said is true. One girl said that maybe I din’t know my family at all and was kept under the dark about more than half of my family. I laughed really hard at her.

I shouldn’t have laughed.

Living in a foreign country where hardly anyone from my family lives, my parents and a few relatives convinced me that we had a small family. They’d talk only about a few people and when I asked them about any more people they always said, “What more? This is it!”

I always thought that we just had an immediate family. All those distant to distant to distant relatives is something I din’t have and I was so, so happy about it.
Until I came to India to stay and lead a life here.

The first time I got to know that I DO have an extended family is when we came to stay with this uncle of mine. My mom said he was her brother. Now, I know her real brothers and also her cousins. So on asking her what kind of brother he is, she said cousin.
Wait what? I thought she had just one cousin brother! From where did this one pop up? She then told me she has more cousins about whom she never told me about as they weren’t  in touch due to the busy lives we all lead in different countries. So when she finished telling me about them all I thought that this was it.

By now you must have realized that when I think this is it, it isn’t. More was ahead for me.

On one Sunday my mom received a call on her mobile. The person said that he and his brother were coming to visit us at our house. Till I was able to ask her who they were, they magically appeared on our doorstep just minutes after the call! (Family members I tell you. They’ll just come out of nowhere. Ugh)

One of the two brothers came to me and said, “Keerthi! Do you know who we are? I remember the last time I saw you, you used to wear those Gandhiji type glasses and you were so tiny! Look how big you’ve gotten. Still short though. Hahaha!” You yourself told that the last time you saw me I was 6 years old. Now how will I remember you?
I went to the kitchen and told my mom that I have no idea who they are (I could’ve told them directly. But meh, anxiety and all that) and she told me their names. I remember receiving chain e-mails from them a long time ago. Other than that, I don’t really know who they are! They were having a gala time with my mom and dad and I was just like, “Hehe. Very funny.” Or like, “Yes I do remember. Haha!”

While in reality, this was me

Note : The first two people are those two brothers. The character with a moustache is my dad and the lady is my mom.

Note : The first two people are those two brothers. The character with a moustache is my dad and the lady among that group is my mom.

Now every time someone came to visit us, I started counting how many family members I do have till now. But one fine day I couldn’t count because it was waaaay too much! How can there be so many humans in one family?!

I recently went to my home state to visit my grandparents and then comes another shocker. I realized that all the people who lived in our town-village (I say town-village as my place is neither a village nor a town. It’s something in between and I don’t really know what the in-between is called) are all my relatives! My mind was blown away to some distant land.

How are they related? Well, they are some father’s brother’s son-in-law’s nephew’s dog’s best friend’s owner’s grandchild. Yes you read that right. But this is just about one person you know? There are plenty of others who are related to us like that. Normally we won’t consider such people as family, just friends. But no, not in my case. They ARE family and they will be invited for our cat’s wedding. Also when we build a house. Also when we celebrate someone’s pregnancy. Basically every household event, people like these are invited because they are family.

I don’t know how does everyone remember who is who and how they are related. And their names too! What is the secret to this great memory power of theirs? *Calls grandma to know how to get excellent memory*

Getting to know so many family members also means that you basically have every type of human that exists on this planet in your family. And they aren’t always of the good kind which saddens me a lot. My family members include a few gangsters, gossip kings and queens, pranksters, wannabee hipsters, wannabees and sadists. I feel that only I am the human among these bunch of aliens, and I don’t consider myself a human at times so that’s a shocking fact!

If an outsider would see one’s wedding photo album, they’d be astounded to see that there are more photos of family members rather than photos of the couple. And also the fact that if you take that album to my grandpa then he’ll tell you how exactly is every single person there related to us. I don’t think I want to marry because then I’ll have to get married in front of a bunch of people whom I don’t even know! Woah!

Well as much as I can go on ranting about this, I need to accept that these bunch of random strangers are my family. No matter if I don’t know them, I have to say hello to them and welcome the dialogue, “The last time I saw you, you were wearing those Gandhiji type glasses and you were so tiny!” with a smile no matter how pissed that line makes me. I will have to listen to my mom and dad talk about my grandpa’s brother’s neighbor’s son’s neighbor’s daughter’s brother -in-law’s – son’s  fiance’s ex-boyfriend’s sister’s story!

I just have to bear with this drama. I have no other option…

Relationships And Me

I understand what I type here today is something that you as a reader might not agree on. And that is totally fine. Please keep in mind that this is just my opinion. So if by some freak of nature you ended up on this post and you disagree with me, it is totally okay. Just understand that different people have different opinions and I’m not trying to impose my ideas or thinking on you, so you don’t have to attack me okay?  Are we cool?

Right now you must be thinking, “What is all this drama going on?” Well, today I’m gonna be writing about something that many people of my age really disagree on. In fact, I think I’m one of the very rare ones who actually think like this. So I wanted to make sure that I won’t get attacked by people virtually, like how I do in real life.

I actually din’t even want to do a post on this topic for the very same reason, but so much has being going around me recently that I need an outlet to express my thoughts. And what better place than this little blog of mine?!

I feel so formal right now…..

Okay so now that all the formalities are done (in an informal manner obviously) I’ll get straight to the topic now. And since you read the title, I’m pretty sure you already have an idea of what this post is about.

So my friend recently did this post – When friends get into a relationship? and this post really got me thinking.
Do read the post if you can. And if you do, then I apologize in advance for the little bit of spelling and grammar mistakes she’s made. She’s trying to improve her English right now 🙂

In the post she says that she’s tired of being single. She says she’s tired of being alone and wants a boy in her life. She needs love in her life.
Her being one of my really close friends, I know how she thinks and what she exactly means. So when I read the post, I started remembering a lot of things and then became outraged.

Why is it so important to have a boyfriend? Why is it necessary to have a boy beside you and behind you? What in reality is achieved by all this?

It’s not only her. This is almost everyone around me. Either one person is in a relationship and talking about their ‘love’ for one another loud and clear, or one person is trying to get someone fall in love with them so that they aren’t alone, or in popular terms – single. Then there is me, who couldn’t really be bothered about all this.

Myself being a teenager, I don’t really find the need to have a boyfriend. I don’t want that love. I don’t find the necessity to find a guy to love right now. This other kind of love is something I don’t understand. I actually kind of oppose love a lot. The cheesy poems and quotes that one might find ‘romantic’ are the ones I laugh at, and I also find them weird.

This is me whenever someone says something like this. I was quite shocked when I came across this meme. I was like, “Hey, that’s what I say!”

But the people around me obviously don’t agree and there have been numerous times I’ve been personally attacked because of this.

I really don’t know why, but many people can’t seem to understand the sentence, “I’ve never had a boyfriend”. When ever I say this, the responses are always something along the lines of, “Are you saying you’ve never been in a relationship?” Well smarty pants, that is what I just said. But what frustrates me is the shocked expressions that follow. Its like, they’ve never come across a 17 year old who has never been in a relationship. I don’t really blame them because almost everyone has at least been in one by the time they are my age, but when a person like me pops up, you don’t have to look so stunned, and then start hating me for my opinions.

“The reason you talk like this is because you don’t know how much fun it is to be in a relationship”
“You don’t know what it feels like to be loved by a boy”
“You’re so arrogant, you’ll never be loved”
“If you find a boy who loves you even in the future, I will change my name to something idiotic”
“You will never find love”
“You will always be a loner”
“The reason you talk like this is because you know you’ll never be loved by a boy”
“It really is better if you stay like this. You don’t deserve to be known by the boys. You’ll spoil our name”
“You’re a nerd. What more can we expect from you?”
“It’s a good thing you think like this. As it is no boy would ever go out with you”

I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here.  These are the reactions I get when I tell what I have in mind about relationships.

There is a reason why I have never been in a relationship, and it’s because of my mindset. I personally feel that I’m too young to carry the responsibility of another person on my shoulders. I feel that a relationship at this age would serve as a distraction to me. I have priorities right now, and I don’t want to get deviated from them. I have goals I want to achieve in this time frame, and the last thing I want is to stray away from it all just because of one boy.
I don’t judge anyone who is in a relationship at this age. I don’t have that right because it is their life. But just because I have my own opinion which is against the popular one, I’m supposed to get backlash for it? Where is the sense in that?

This kid understands me. Don’t look at me like I committed a crime or something. I just have a different opinion, that’s it!

I personally feel getting into a relationship these days is more like a trend than mutual feelings. Almost each and everyone is getting into one. You’ll hardly find someone single. If they are single, they must have broken up sometime ago. Finding a person like me is very hard, and somehow I found them I believe.

I don’t say ‘I Love You’ a lot. I can’t say it just like that. I can only say it when I mean it from my heart. Typing it is fine, but verbally it’s very, very tough for me. It was only when I was leaving that I said this to my closest friends. So telling ‘I Love You’ to a boy seems like a very strange idea to me. I don’t want to concentrate my life right now on trying to say ‘I Love You’ to some boy. I want to just focus on the things that need more importance in my mind. Why is it so hard to understand?

What all these dimwits tell me, doesn’t affect me at all. Who are they to tell me? But the point of this post was to say I guess that being in a relationship is NOT your life right now. There is a whole life ahead of us for that. So if you are single, then why crib about it?
If you truly want a boy, then go search for one or something like that I suppose. I obviously don’t know how that works. Until then, enjoy life the way it is. Life is more than just some random boys. You don’t need boys to enjoy life. Just ask me 😀

Dear 30 year old me

As the title of the posts suggests, today I’ll be writing a letter to the thirty-year old me. I chose to write a letter to my future self because I think about the future a lot. Like, a lot. I don’t know why though. So I thought maybe writing a letter to myself would be a good idea. It could also be a silly idea too. Argh, you decide.

And now brace yourselves. Here comes the letter.

~~x~~

Dear future me,

How are you? Are you good? Wait, why am I asking you questions when I know I can’t know the answers? Silly me. Now answer these questions, and the questions that will follow in your mind. Or just send me another letter in reply to this via time travel. Time travel must have been invented by now right?

You might remember yourself typing this letter as you have a great memory. Wait, your memory is still great right? Don’t tell me your memory power has reduced. Back to the point, you might not remember what was happening while you wrote this letter so let me remind you. I’m mocking the advertisements that are on the television right now. Also, I’m still depressed about the fact that Justin Timberlake is going to have a concert in Abu Dhabi even though its been nearly two weeks to the news. Currently there is no news about him ever coming here for a concert. I don’t even expect him to come here. When I was in U.A.E. , he never came. 😦 Please tell me by now you have gone to his concert. Or any concert of your favourite artists. Have you at least gone to one concert? I hope the answer is yes. If you haven’t yet then um, GO TO A FREAKIN’ CONCERT ALREADY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Okay don’t be upset, this was just the inner fangirl screaming. Just, try and go to a concert okay?

I hope this random picture I copied from Google Images motivates you to go to a concert.
If you have been to a concert, then I hope you’ve had the time of your life like these strangers seem to be having so.

Now you may not remember why I decided to post this letter on my blog rather than write an actual letter with my pen. The thing is, if I am to actually write a letter then where will keep it? And moreover, how can I assure myself that I won’t misplace it in the next 13 years so that when you do turn 30 you are able to read it? So that’s why I decided to post it online, because the internet is forever and I know that you will come to this blog even if you aren’t blogging because you’d like to remember what kind of a teenager you were. The kind of teenager who is actually very pessimistic but from the past two days is feeling very optimistic for some unknown reason. It’s a refreshing change I must admit, but I don’t know if this will last long. You tell me, am I an optimistic 30 year old?

So, how is life 13 years from now? Is it all that you’ve expected it to be or nothing at all? Maybe somewhere in the middle? I hope while you’re reading this, you’ve achieved want all I want to in the future. What I want right now is to study a lot. I want a really good job and give back to my family. Make them proud and make sure that they don’t need to do anything anymore for me. It’s time for me to repay them back for all their efforts. You might remember all the trouble and problems your family had to face while you were me. So I’m hoping that in the future, I’m able to make everything all right.
But remember this. Don’t beat yourself up if you weren’t able to get into a big college, or if you aren’t working in a huge company. If you may recollect, I don’t have a dream college or a dream job. Which ever college I get into, or whatever company I work for doesn’t matter. I’m going to work hard wherever I am. Have you done that? If you have then you have nothing to worry about. Are the people around you happy? Are you able to give back to mom and dad? If the answer is yes, then you are living the future that I want.

By the way, please don’t tell me you’re married. If by some freak of nature you are married then I hope it is after what all you wanted to achieve career and life wise. Now I’m going to ask you a few questions. (If you aren’t married then feel free to ignore these.)
Did you seriously find a guy worthy enough to marry? Did you actually find a man who ticks all the check boxes on my list? Did this person really agree to tolerate you for an entire lifetime? Is this the man that I see in my dreams? Did my series of dreams come true? If the answer is yes to all of these questions then I’d like you to pinch yourself around a hundred times because this is too good to be true. I’m shocked at this thought itself!!!

The main aim of this letter I guess was to make you realize what actually makes you happy. As much as boxes of chocolates make your day, actual happiness is what I mentioned above. Why am I telling you what really makes you happy? Because I know you’ll whine about every small little thing that you don’t have. (If you have stopped whining, then I applaud you for this change!) As I said, I’m feeling very optimistic and I am giving all sorts of advises to everyone. So this letter is sort of me taking advantage of my streak of optimism and advising  YOU. Because you may need it.

I’m going away now as I should stop now. I hope this letter helped you in some sort of way.

Bye bye,
The 17 year old Keerthi

P.S. Is my brother still good for nothing? If yes then I suggest you to break his PlayStation 20 or any other gaming console he owns. This should teach him lesson. Do make sure you have your own gaming console before you break it. Because you’ll have to suffer as well. Now why would you do that to yourself?

~~x~~

I know that this letter was really, very long and I’m extremely sorry for this. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. *hangs head down in shame*

Now that you have reached the end, I would like to ask you something. Have you ever written a letter to either your elder or younger self? Have you ever thought of it at least?