Countries Apart

It’s been a long, long time. The amount of time can’t be numbered. Well it actually can be, but it honestly feels like forever. It feels much more longer than what it has been.

Nearly two weeks ago, while chatting up with fellow students a guy asked me, “So, do you like it here in India better or Dubai?” And the speed of my response was that of the speed of lightning. “Dubai!” is what I blurted.
He was taken aback with how instant my response was. That I didn’t even blink my eye and just uttered my answer.

When I was about eight months old, my parents took me to this magical little country called the United Arab Emirates and I have stayed there for majority of the life that I have lead until now.

Indian by nationality, India is this place I’d come once every year or two years to visit my grandparents and extended family. A vacation spot you can say. A two month summer vacation would all be spent in a country which is my own. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I never really formed an opinion about how I liked India as I never spent a good enough time to do so. But ever since a little kid, I didn’t really enjoy the time I spent here. I love my grandparents but the country itself never had much of an appeal to me. I never felt a connection. Well I was a kid, what more could I expect?

Growing up, I was surrounded with voices. Voices that held the words, “India is your home country. It is who you are. You love this country!” so tight, that these voices felt like it had an underlying honesty in it. And I felt like U.A.E. is just this temporary place that life had us stationed at. India is home you know? India is what I should love.

Should.
Should.
Should.
Oh how this word echoed in the back of my head whenever I started feeling affectionate towards the country I resided in. Whenever I’d see those news headlines. When I entered this country.
A compulsion to love a country only because I’m from it. And I felt guilty that I didn’t.
What can I say, I was a kid!

It was only when I started growing up, started experiencing things by myself and stopped listening to the voices around me that I realized – it doesn’t even matter. What matters is how I feel. And what I feel is something I can’t help.

I love U.A.E. I love the life we lived – I lived – there. It was a life I could call a life. Not what I’m leading here, living here.

The guy then proceeded to ask me what is it that I love about U.A.E. That makes it better than India. India is my home country you know? India is my home, how can I not like home?

Here’s what I believe. Home is where your heart lies. Home is where you can be yourself, unafraid of being judged. Home is this sanctuary where you are accepted for who you are and are loved without any strings attached. Home is where terms and conditions aren’t applicable. Home is where you are surrounded by family – a family that loves you for who you are.
And I found all of this not in my apparent ‘home country’ but in a country that housed me for an unaccountable time of my life.

U.A.E. was this place where I could un-apologetically be me. A country where people from all over the world live in unity, one of the very first things I learnt was that humanity comes first. Humanity is what is more important than that passport you hold in your hand which indicates your nationality. Humanity trumps everything.

I grew up with quite an open mindset. And I knew I had a so called ‘open-mind’ only after living here. Because up until now my thoughts and my mentality was something so frequently seen, I never knew it was such.
A country where religion or the state of India you’re from doesn’t matter, I grew up celebrating various festivals from all religions. I grew up with friends all over India and not only learning but also enjoying their various traditions and customs.
We all were different and we liked being different. We accepted it wholeheartedly.
I grew up in a country that was incredibly safe. A country where my parents and I never feared of our safety. A country so clean. And looking at the number of parks and beaches that are present you wouldn’t believe that it is actually a desert. Ha!

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Let us not even talk about the food and the malls there. It’s where I learnt that food is love, food is life.

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All I got in India is a sight of aunties who are professionals in stalking people and have mastered the art of poking their nose in other people’s business. All I got to see is this unimaginable amount of bullying done in a school, a school which is supposed to be a child’s second home. All I learnt till now is how in the end a girl is supposed to learn all the household chores and that you’ll receive a stink-eye if you don’t know how to by those around you.

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All I got to learn is how to keep my mouth shut because people here can’t stand opinions that stem from an ‘open-mind’. All I have observed is that it is very well possible to fake yourself in front of people. That it is possible to not only lie to others but to yourself as well about who you are. Faking who you are at the core only to please the people around you. To lose the essence of who you are because being nice to those aunties and nodding with whatever they say is more necessary than voicing those opinions in your head and demanding respect for who you are.

All I learnt is that it isn’t safe for me to step out of my house. All I have heard is how we can be divided according to our genders. A boy is a boy, a girl is a girl. There’s a box for everyone and you dare not break it open. After all, you are who you are right?

All I learnt is that perhaps humanity isn’t what comes first. Perhaps what caste you belong to, what state you belong to, which God is it that you follow is what is more important. That is what defines you, you see? Screw how good a person you are, I will form opinions about you based on an identity that you didn’t create for yourself but were labelled.
Labels. Labels are more important you see?

U.A.E. is the country where I found people who accepted me for who I am – this socially awkward girl with big dreams and a stubborn heart. A straight forward girl who isn’t afraid what others think of her. It is the country where my anxiety levels weren’t this high because I felt comfortable. I could be me.

My parents, who have lived here in India unlike me, today also long for the day when we could go back. They don’t feel comfortable here. I see a side of my mother I never saw before. She, she finds it hard to communicate with people here. To connect, to make friends here.
If a person like her, who always is the life of the party feels so, my state can’t even be expressed.

I will agree that there are exceptions in both the places. Neither of the countries are perfect. But this is how I feel.

U.A.E. is the country where my heart lies. U.A.E. is where I felt the most comfortable being me. U.A.E. is the country where I was accepted wholeheartedly, no matter how weird I was.
U.A.E. is where I could exercise my mentality without being judged.

U.A.E. is where humanity comes first. Not blood relations or nationality, but humanity. And humanity will always come first to me.

India might be my home country, but U.A.E. is what I will call home. I could be biased, after all I did spend my entire life there. An attachment will definitely be present.

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This is how I feel

Call it what you may but all I know is that while I have one foot present here, another foot of mine lies in U.A.E. When that trigger is pulled and that gunshot enters the audible range, I will run.

Run.

A Quick Look At The Past Three Years Of My Life

Hey-lo humans who are reading this poorly constructed post!

So as you all know, I disappeared for three years from my blog because of a little thing called life. And for those of you who don’t know – well, now you know!

There are plenty of questions in everyone’s head as to what is it that happened in these past years. Today, as the title reads, I’m going to be addressing just that.

So let’s begin from the start shall we?

I had to move to my hometown as we, well, had to move out. My hometown is this area which neither is a village nor town. I like to call it a town-village. I have no idea how else to describe it. Is this really a term though? Or have I coined a new term? Am I the inventor of a new word? Oh my God…..

I spent seven months there with my grandparents, my aunt and uncle and my younger cousin sister. Also this dog. Can not forget the dog. Ugh.
In the start I had few bits of le internet thanks to my younger brother’s constant whining and crying but I refused to use it largely because I had to save it up for him. Things an elder sibling has to do. Sacrifices and all for the younger one. Pfft.
I only used it to keep in touch with my friends (read : annoy the crap out of them) and things were going okay, until my laptop crashed. Big time.

No internet, no system – living those seven months was a complete torture to sum it up in a nutshell. So many people, no source of entertainment, so many people, constant bugging, so many people.
Yes, I said ‘so many people’ a lot of times. Why do you ask? Well,  imagine a socially awkward girl among a whole bunch of people. Perhaps now you can understand how annoyed I might have been.
And I’m Indian. Add that to the mix. Now imagine the situation. Can’t? I never could either. Until I lived that nightmare. The horror *shudders*

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Seven months later, we moved to a different place. Another crappy place. We didn’t have proper water facility for goodness sake! No internet again but finally as we were staying by ourselves, we got a cable connection for our TV. So I spent time watching a lot of series’ again. Boy oh boy was I so happy!
I’d go around saying, “My name is Barry Allen and I’m the fastest man alive! GO FLASH YESYES!!” My mom would just stare at me in utter disappointment. She’d say, “You’ve started again. Why are my kids not normal?”
Quick forward to the present day – my mom loves The Flash. When I used to watch it on TV she’d go all, “Woah!”, “My God!”, “This is awesome!”, “He’s so fast!” etc. She loves Empire the most though. She was shook by the season 2 finale and started screaming, “WHY DID THEY NOT SHOW WHAT HAPPENED AHEAD? WHO FELL?!” When I went home and binge watched my shows, she asked me to tell her what happened and I showed her the clip. She then proceeded to ask my father why is it that he unsubscribed to english channels. If he hadn’t, then she could see little glimpses as I’d watch. I miss mom..

Back on the topic at the hand, I stayed there for around 9-10 months I believe. It was until my school wasn’t decided. And when my new school was decided and also our flat picked out, we moved out to stay at the place where I currently am residing.

How has my life changed? Well, I ended up having two gap years after my tenth grade. I completed my twelfth year in a span of three months and somehow managed to pass with decent scores! I made new friends who are absolutely amazing and have restored my faith in humanity a little bit
I know, I know. Me? Making friends? When did this miracle happen? Yeah, I’m surprised too. Life is full of surprises now isn’t it?

Currently I’m pursuing my first year in the field of Engineering in a college away from home. Hostel life. BLAAAH.
Finally a step towards achieving my dream has been taken and I couldn’t be happier! Yay!

Situations were horrible and we faced a lot of hardships. Life turned out to be nothing like we had imagined and majority of the time we all were just really upset as to how events were turning out to be. My brother wasn’t the least bit upset though. He just was happy he got to see Power Rangers………………

In short, life wasn’t the slightest bit easy. When we thought things are starting to get better, this storm would knock on our main door and say, “Did you order for a problem?”

Things are finally shaping out better now. I’m proud of all of us for managing to keep ourselves together and come out stronger from the experiences. I know that all of this has made me so much stronger, a level of strong my twelve-year-old self never imagined she would reach.

Things are okay. Life isn’t great but it’s okay. And I’m fine with okay.

On Completing A Year of Blogging

I was simply surfing the internet to kill time when I thought that maybe I should check upon my blog and maybe read a few posts. When I logged in I was surprised to see that orange color on my header. I was even more shocked to see what followed after I clicked it.

 My blog is now one year old. I completed a year of blogging!!

I am shocked because when I started, I din’t expect to stay on here even for four months, let alone a year. To see now that it’s been a whole, solid year and I still am blogging makes me really, really happy.

I created this blog out of plain curiosity and to just try out something new. The curious part is definitely ingrained in me but trying something new is definitely not me. I don’t like doing things out of comfort zone and taking risks of sorts. When I thought of doing this, I had surprised myself because I never thought I’d put myself through this.
I know this sounds like I’m going to the jungle and have now decided to spend my life with the lion and it’s family at it’s home, but I felt like that I guess? I don’t know what I’m saying. Help maybe required…

A friend of mine had mentioned her blog and while reading it I felt that maybe I should create one too. The thought exited as quickly as it entered my brain. I din’t feel like it’s something I should do, something I’d enjoy. She told me to just give it a go and see what happens and behold, here I am.
I spent like a month deciding what name I should use and I was still deciding whether creating a blog is a good idea or not, that’s how much I think. One day I just said to myself, “This is getting crazy. I’ll just do this now. Like, right now” and went to create this blog. Little did I know that I’d have so much fun!

A year on this blog enabled me to read stories of some amazing people from different parts of the world. Being a part of it all is something really nice. I found people who share some of the same interests as me, some people who are somewhat like me. I learnt that there are people like me who are socially awkward and/or have anxiety – that I’m not alone. If today I feel better it’s because I know that this isn’t something I’m struggling with on my own, that I have people who understand me. This fact is something I find very comforting.

Maybe that’s why they say that the internet is a wonderful place. A year ago I wouldn’t have believed that but now I’m going to nod my head in agreement. The internet is a brilliant place isn’t it?

As for what happened in this one year in the real world? Well nothing great. Except the fact that I traveled the world and jumped off of a cliff and dove into a sea.
Did I make it obvious that I’m lying?
Nothing really changed in this one year in the real world for me. Things are definitely much better than they were but other than I have absolutely nothing. I did get absorbed into the world of internet. Does that count?

I’ve seen people upload their statistics when they have completed a number of years on their blog but I’m not going to do that because it’s really embarrassing…

I’ve made some friends along the way and that is something I din’t expect. Thank you for all the wonderful feedback I’ve gotten and for all the support you’ve given me. It’s all been proven to be very encouraging.

All in all, I’ve had a lot of fun and I look forward to have a lot more fun now!

The Crap I receive for Engineering

When you are 17 years old and advancing towards the last year of schooling, you’re generally interrogated by the people around you about what it is you plan to do after you finish school. What direction you are heading to is the first question anyone who meets you asks you.
It isn’t any different for me but I somehow feel that my choices are stirring up people other than my family and I.

If I had chosen a path that isn’t generally a preference then I seriously wouldn’t be bothered. But what amazes me is that I get all kinds of shit for choosing to embark on a journey that many, many people choose as well. I have assumptions, arguments and disbelief snowballed towards me almost everyday which to be honest, the 14 year old me din’t expect was coming her way.

With me being Indian, it won’t come to a shock to many people when I say that I have opted to do Computer Engineering after school. That’s because a lot of kids here do that. Why do they do that? Because even though there are thousands of options to choose from, majority of their parents have pressurized their kids to go for this. It’s a field where a lot of jobs are open. That does make a lot of sense considering that we live in a technology – driven world doesn’t it?

Because of the widespread attention engineering has been getting over the past years, many people have started to resent it. The number of trolls and memes made on engineering will take a century to count. Engineering is like this option you choose when you don’t know what you want to do with your life. A lot of people blame parents for this because they are the ones who pushed their kids into this path. They don’t let their kids do what they want with their life and hence we have people with no passion at all in the field. No one wants to learn something new or do something because they enjoy it. They’re just here because their parents forced them, and now they just want to get this over with.

If you have parents like mine, who want you to do something that you love, kids enter fields that are not engineering. They go for what they love and mostly, it isn’t engineering. But then there is me.

You see, my decision of pursuing Computer Engineering is totally mine. Nobody influenced my decision. I’m entering the field because that is where my passion lies. But most of the people I associate with don’t necessarily believe me. Shocked expressions follow with a little bit of assumptions.

“So what are you doing after school? Please don’t say engineering!”

“Uh, I am doing that. What seems to be the problem?”

“Oh my. I feel for you. My parents are also forcing me to do the same. I don’t really know why do they not think about us!”

“No you’ve got me wrong! My parents din’t force me…..”

“So your grandparents did? Or some stubborn uncle?”

“Nobody from my family has forced me to do engineering. I’m doing it by my own will!”

“Seriously? But ….why?”

“Because I want to? I love computers. “

“Are you sure you’re not covering up for your parents actually forcing you? It seems to me that you are.”

“What?! Why would I do that?”

“It’s okay. believe me. We’re here for you. I know your parents mean the world to you and all that, but we all are the same. You don’t have to cover up for them to make them look good. We understand you.”

“I don’t understand what is going on. I think you are misunderstanding me. My parents haven’t forced me to do engineering. They want me to do what ever I want to. I chose this. I want to do this.”

“So wait, your parents are allowing you to do anything you want to?”

“Yes!”

“Are you mad? You have such awesome parents and you’re doing this? Seriously? What is wrong with you? If I were you then I’d do something really different. Something I love. Why in the right mind are you sticking to this? You have a chance to break free. Why are you not doing that?”

If I meet someone and don’t have this conversation with them, then I’ll consider them anything but human. That’s how much I’m used to all of this. I’ve been getting this crap since the day I decided to do this.

I don’t really understand. Is it wrong to want to enter this field? Am I committing some sort of felony by loving this career path? Has the scope for this field really gone that low? Do we really not have people like me out there, who wholeheartedly want to do this?

If this wasn’t enough, you have so many articles that look down at people doing engineering so poorly. They’re treated like dirt. Why? Just because they’re doing something everyone is doing?
So many people say that people who are doing engineering are fools. They won’t go anywhere in life and success will never be theirs because there are thousands of people doing the same as them. You’ll only be stuck with that 8 – 5 job and you’ll never reach the heights. Everyone is only doing this because they want that good salary. It’s all about the money. And if you decide to study ahead? Definitely because you want even more money. You say you love what you’re doing? “You aren’t fooling anybody honey” is the answer one person gave.

I was receiving so much of trash, that at one point last year I just din’t want to go ahead with this. I wanted to just let it go and do something different. Maybe then this would stop, I thought. But the thought itself made me so upset that I knew that no matter what people or some bullshit article tells me, I can’t stop. My heart lies there and there is no way I’m turning back.

I am doing engineering. Computer Engineering to be specific, which I’m very well aware that many people do. But I like to think I’m different from them all because I want to do this. And maybe I will study ahead but not because I have money in my mind. I’ll do it because I want to do it. Everyone may think that I don’t have a life but I do and this is how I choose to live. I may fail but that is my failure and no one has a say on that. Not you or your article.

I don’t look down at people who have been forced to do this. I feel really bad for them and I do hope that they get to do what they want sooner or later. Maybe the jokes made are something they find funny. But I do know that even though people like me aren’t a lot, we don’t find this funny. It hurts us. It hurts me.
I can’t say that what everyone says doesn’t affect me because I’m that kind of person who wants to keep everyone happy and I sometimes tend to care a bit too much about how people perceive me. So all of this does bother me. But this has reached such a peak that I can’t even be bothered to give a damn anymore.

I have a question though. Why do some people write such bitter articles? Let me know if you know the reason.

“Everybody Does It”

This phrase is something that is thrown at you when you have conflicting opinions. The opinions that are completely opposite of the popular ones. It has become a part of everyday conversation and debate. While it might be told lightheartedly, what it really shows about the person is something many people fail to realize.

What is the meaning you might ask? Well, it directly gives the impression that because a majority of the people perform the talked about action , it is okay. Since it is popular it immediately means it is correct and the one opposing it is in the wrong. The majority wins. That is why it is in the majority.

If I were to mention the number of times this phrase was used at me, then I’m pretty sure I’d be 40 years old by the time I finish. And I’m not exaggerating here. This really is the case with me. I guess that’s what happens when you have opinions that aren’t always met with a smile.

As a kid, I’ve always had strong opinions about everything. My parents have always told me that I should never be afraid to speak my mind and that is something very strongly instilled in me today. Whatever it is, I surely have an opinion and I won’t be afraid to tell you that. But what happens is that I’m always countered. Why? Well, that’s because my opinions generally don’t agree with the popular ones. I’m the one who opposes almost everything popular today.

It wasn’t until recently when I realized how strongly can this phrase affect you. A friend of mine and I were debating about what teenagers nowadays like to do and how I always oppose it all. She then told me, “Everybody does it. So why do you have a problem?” I was taken aback.

This wasn’t the first time obviously, but somehow what she said stung me for once. I guess because it was about something that I have been strongly opposing since forever. I know you must be wondering what it is. So now let me tell you.

Since I don’t have many friends, I try to keep myself in the social circle by learning about what’s happening around me and all about the people around me too. I see almost everyday what teenagers around me indulge in for ‘fun’ and it bothers me way too much.
I know kids at the age of 14 or 15 who have either smoked all kinds of stuff, who have slept around with various people or consumed all the varieties of alcohol. Worse is that there are 14 year old kids who have done ALL of this and not just one. Until and unless you’re my friend, I really don’t care what anyone does but when this starts becoming so prevalent among the people around you, it’s hard to ignore it. Very hard.

I don’t think it’s okay to be doing any of this at such a young age. I mean, you’re just 14! A 14 year old isn’t mature enough to understand all of this or even know about all of this. And on asking why one would drink or smoke the answer is mostly because someone dumped them. Really? At the age of 13 you are crying because someone dumped you? My biggest concern when I was 13 was what dress I’d wear for my birthday!

If only one or two kids did this, then this post wouldn’t ever be written. But all of this is now some sort of trend for everyone to follow. Gone are the days when studies and friends were the things that bothered one at night. Now what bothers most of the teenagers here is what brand of alcohol is the best to serve for the next party. I can’t really take this anymore.

That figure in red, is me. As I’m not like the rest, I have been thrown out of the popular crowd. And I’m extremely happy being on the other side.

Some teens do understand that what is going on isn’t right. But they still do all of this. Why? Because they don’t want to be that figure in red. They don’t want to be like me. Everyone does all of this without any hesitation. And in the end they feel it is correct. It’s correct because it is the popular action right now. Everybody does it, so why not them? Right?

Not right. Who ever told that what is the popular belief needs to be the appropriate one? What ever happened to thinking on your own and using your sense of judgement to understand what is right or wrong? Just because everybody does it, does it mean it is right? If the answer is yes, then bullying has become incredibly popular now. So does that justify any act of bullying? Is bullying ‘okay’ now? Think about it.

I understand that sometimes we make decisions in haste, but this doesn’t qualify like that. Agreed that this is the age where we can make mistakes and learn from them. But why make mistakes as such that could ruin your entire life? This won’t even qualify as a mistake if you thought about doing it. You are not going to laugh about this 10 years from now. You certainly won’t!

I also know that peer pressure plays an important role in this. But you need to use your brains and understand that it isn’t right. Just because your best friend smokes before writing her math exam doesn’t mean you need to also just so that you still can remain her best friend.
If your group of 50 friends do this, it immediately doesn’t mean that you also need to do it! No one ever needs such friends who cloud your sense of judgement and turn you into a bad person. I know this because I have also been through peer pressure. If I hadn’t said no and distanced myself from them then today I would be doing all the things that I mentioned here. And you have no idea how good I feel because I stopped myself from getting into all this mess. If I can, then anyone can.

I personally don’t hate anyone who does it all, though it might seem like that. I can’t hate someone whom I don’t even know. But all of this has just begun to really upset me. I try hard to forget about all of this, but I can’t. My opinions have isolated me from this generation. But guess what? I’m extremely happy not being a part of what everybody does. I still have a chance to be me.

We are ourselves. You are you, and I am me. Following someone else’s footsteps or performing the popular action won’t make your place in this world easier. Doing something just because ‘everybody’ does it makes us look like we can’t function on our own. Don’t follow the crowd. Instead, stand out from the crowd. It isn’t too late for anyone to change.

Saying “Everybody does it” is not a valid reason for all the wrong actions that are happening. It never will be. Use your brain and do what you feel is right rather than doing what the people around you say is right.

Relationships And Me

I understand what I type here today is something that you as a reader might not agree on. And that is totally fine. Please keep in mind that this is just my opinion. So if by some freak of nature you ended up on this post and you disagree with me, it is totally okay. Just understand that different people have different opinions and I’m not trying to impose my ideas or thinking on you, so you don’t have to attack me okay?  Are we cool?

Right now you must be thinking, “What is all this drama going on?” Well, today I’m gonna be writing about something that many people of my age really disagree on. In fact, I think I’m one of the very rare ones who actually think like this. So I wanted to make sure that I won’t get attacked by people virtually, like how I do in real life.

I actually din’t even want to do a post on this topic for the very same reason, but so much has being going around me recently that I need an outlet to express my thoughts. And what better place than this little blog of mine?!

I feel so formal right now…..

Okay so now that all the formalities are done (in an informal manner obviously) I’ll get straight to the topic now. And since you read the title, I’m pretty sure you already have an idea of what this post is about.

So my friend recently did this post – When friends get into a relationship? and this post really got me thinking.
Do read the post if you can. And if you do, then I apologize in advance for the little bit of spelling and grammar mistakes she’s made. She’s trying to improve her English right now 🙂

In the post she says that she’s tired of being single. She says she’s tired of being alone and wants a boy in her life. She needs love in her life.
Her being one of my really close friends, I know how she thinks and what she exactly means. So when I read the post, I started remembering a lot of things and then became outraged.

Why is it so important to have a boyfriend? Why is it necessary to have a boy beside you and behind you? What in reality is achieved by all this?

It’s not only her. This is almost everyone around me. Either one person is in a relationship and talking about their ‘love’ for one another loud and clear, or one person is trying to get someone fall in love with them so that they aren’t alone, or in popular terms – single. Then there is me, who couldn’t really be bothered about all this.

Myself being a teenager, I don’t really find the need to have a boyfriend. I don’t want that love. I don’t find the necessity to find a guy to love right now. This other kind of love is something I don’t understand. I actually kind of oppose love a lot. The cheesy poems and quotes that one might find ‘romantic’ are the ones I laugh at, and I also find them weird.

This is me whenever someone says something like this. I was quite shocked when I came across this meme. I was like, “Hey, that’s what I say!”

But the people around me obviously don’t agree and there have been numerous times I’ve been personally attacked because of this.

I really don’t know why, but many people can’t seem to understand the sentence, “I’ve never had a boyfriend”. When ever I say this, the responses are always something along the lines of, “Are you saying you’ve never been in a relationship?” Well smarty pants, that is what I just said. But what frustrates me is the shocked expressions that follow. Its like, they’ve never come across a 17 year old who has never been in a relationship. I don’t really blame them because almost everyone has at least been in one by the time they are my age, but when a person like me pops up, you don’t have to look so stunned, and then start hating me for my opinions.

“The reason you talk like this is because you don’t know how much fun it is to be in a relationship”
“You don’t know what it feels like to be loved by a boy”
“You’re so arrogant, you’ll never be loved”
“If you find a boy who loves you even in the future, I will change my name to something idiotic”
“You will never find love”
“You will always be a loner”
“The reason you talk like this is because you know you’ll never be loved by a boy”
“It really is better if you stay like this. You don’t deserve to be known by the boys. You’ll spoil our name”
“You’re a nerd. What more can we expect from you?”
“It’s a good thing you think like this. As it is no boy would ever go out with you”

I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here.  These are the reactions I get when I tell what I have in mind about relationships.

There is a reason why I have never been in a relationship, and it’s because of my mindset. I personally feel that I’m too young to carry the responsibility of another person on my shoulders. I feel that a relationship at this age would serve as a distraction to me. I have priorities right now, and I don’t want to get deviated from them. I have goals I want to achieve in this time frame, and the last thing I want is to stray away from it all just because of one boy.
I don’t judge anyone who is in a relationship at this age. I don’t have that right because it is their life. But just because I have my own opinion which is against the popular one, I’m supposed to get backlash for it? Where is the sense in that?

This kid understands me. Don’t look at me like I committed a crime or something. I just have a different opinion, that’s it!

I personally feel getting into a relationship these days is more like a trend than mutual feelings. Almost each and everyone is getting into one. You’ll hardly find someone single. If they are single, they must have broken up sometime ago. Finding a person like me is very hard, and somehow I found them I believe.

I don’t say ‘I Love You’ a lot. I can’t say it just like that. I can only say it when I mean it from my heart. Typing it is fine, but verbally it’s very, very tough for me. It was only when I was leaving that I said this to my closest friends. So telling ‘I Love You’ to a boy seems like a very strange idea to me. I don’t want to concentrate my life right now on trying to say ‘I Love You’ to some boy. I want to just focus on the things that need more importance in my mind. Why is it so hard to understand?

What all these dimwits tell me, doesn’t affect me at all. Who are they to tell me? But the point of this post was to say I guess that being in a relationship is NOT your life right now. There is a whole life ahead of us for that. So if you are single, then why crib about it?
If you truly want a boy, then go search for one or something like that I suppose. I obviously don’t know how that works. Until then, enjoy life the way it is. Life is more than just some random boys. You don’t need boys to enjoy life. Just ask me 😀

Normal is not how I roll

Lately I have been observing my behavior and reactions with different people and I realized something which I should’ve known earlier.

Before you jump to conclusions, yes I did say observe. I do that a lot. I can assure you that I’m not crazy. We all have weird characteristics right?

Back to the point now. As I said, I learnt something about myself which I somehow failed to know earlier. What I’ve just come to know is that…

*dramatic pause*

I go to the extremes of my emotions. Like extremely extreme. I don’t have a balance. My emotions and characteristics never find the middle path. They are always either on one extreme or the other. Its like my brain doesn’t understand what ‘normal’ means.

Isn’t this your reaction right now?

For a better understanding, I will now list a few of them :

  • I pride myself on my maturity. I’m really mature for my age and so I don’t speak or act like the others. Reasons why I’m called a grandma by some friends of mine. But whenever I try to loosen up, I immediately act like a four year old kid. I’ll start asking unnecessary questions and start bugging everyone. My maturity will vanish in thin air and nobody can stop me from making weird faces. I won’t ever be ‘normal’ which is the middle to all this.
  • If you are ever to see me, you’ll either see me with a smile or a frown. I believe I don’t have a straight face. Okay, I do have one but it only comes to play when I’m sarcastic. Other than that, I’m either extremely happy or extremely sad. I will either laugh at anything and everything, or cry and whine about every small little detail. You’ll never find me in between these extremes. NEVER!
  • I’m an extremely serious person. I will take everything seriously. Even a supposed joke at times. I think you can blame my maturity for that. But when I’m not serious, I’ll start neglecting everything and anything. Nothing is of importance to me, even the factors that really need serious attention. I’m way to care free and the result is always bad.
  • Being a foodie, I love food and that is the only thing good about my monotonous life. You’d think that this might be normal, but the fact that leads me to eat food (hunger I mean) isn’t always the same. Either I’ll be so hungry that I start hearing whales, or I’m not hungry at all so I won’t eat anything. Does my stomach have a normal day of balance between hungry and not hungry like normal people do? Naah.
  • I’ll either be thinking way too much, or I won’t think at all. This affects my daily life the most. I wonder why though….
  • There are days when I’m all grumpy and I will hate each and everything, and then there are days when I’m super hyper and I will even start hugging my chair. Are you expecting a normal day? Ah well, you’re wrong.

I don’t know if the above make any sense to you, because I seem to have just listed a few things in the name of ‘explanation’ but honestly they make no sense. I bet you’re more confused than you were before because I seem to be so right now. I even think a few points serve the same purpose, but then there is me who will type it anyway.

See? I told you I don’t have a balance in my life! I just rambled right now because I feel like talking a lot. Most definitely I won’t be talking at all tomorrow.

If there is a road that divides into three more roads which is one road to the left. one to the right and one to the middle, I’m more likely to either go on the right or the left one even if the map says to go straight. Because that is just how I function. And there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening!

Maybe this post’s aim was to tell you all how weird I am, or it just was a long pointless post – that’s for you to decide. But the main point is, yes I’m weird and have characteristics that are maybe unknown to mankind, but don’t we all have that? You have it too right? Right?