A Confession About My Conversations

My existence on this blog till now is far longer than I had expected it to be. When I published my first post, I said to myself that if I stayed on this blog for even a month then that would be my greatest accomplishment ever. I said that because I thought I’d get bored of this or maybe I’d just give up.
But I’ve been here for I think around 9 – 10 months and that shocks me. It’s a good shock I’ll say because I haven’t regretted starting a blog and staying on it ever. It’s one of my best decisions and I’m so happy I decided to stay for so long!

So now to celebrate this moment of happiness, I’ve decided that it’s time I let you guys in on a secret of mine. After all, you’ve tolerated me for a while now so maybe I owe this to you. Well, there aren’t many of you but I guess it’s okay for me to think that there are a few right? Right?

Now what I am going to confess to you is something that I’m sure you’re not going to like. If you choose to never read my blog again or start thinking differently of me, then I totally understand.
This ‘thing’ of mine started a few years back. Or at least, that’s when I realized that I do this. So chances are that I could’ve started doing this from a long time back. I don’t really know. What I do know is that this has started to grow now and I find myself doing this at a larger scale than I ever did before.

I want to stop but this has become such an integral part of my life that if I don’t do this even once a day then I’m not myself anymore. It’s affecting my everyday conversations and this bothers me a lot. I can’t talk properly with people if I don’t do this and I’m a lost soul. It has affected me that badly. My mental state is a wreck because of this.

But I don’t care what anyone thinks about me anymore. I’m gonna tell everyone now and I’m not afraid of how I’m gonna be perceived from here after. Okay, I am a little bit scared but I need to push it aside.

Well the thing is that I, …. I talk to myself
*sits in the corner of the room and hides face in shame*

Please don’t look at me like that. I’m really embarrassed of this habit of mine but I can’t seem to stop! And the worst is that I do this everyday. I’m talking to myself right now!

Now you might think that the talking I do is what some people do i.e. have internal discussions with themselves. They are either agreeing with themselves or debating for a whole day about a topic. This is what I do as well, but mine is the next level.
Next level how? Well, I have everyday conversations with myself. How we talk to friends and family is the way I talk to myself and I do this loudly. Not exactly loudly, I keep murmuring but that counts as loud in this context right?

Now I shall provide some pictures so that you understand what exactly it is I’m talking about.

(Note : The girl in the pink shirt is my brain talking. My brain talks loudly and I’m it’s voice, hence the human form. The girl in the green shirt is myself answering to my brain. Again loudly. )

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If you are wondering if I did go out and get cake for this very reason, then yes. Yes I did. And the conversation din’t stop here. It went on and on.

Now that you have fully understood what it is I’ve been telling you all this while, I would suggest you to pick your jaw from the floor. Or if you are laughing then I’d like you to stop. Because this ain’t funny child, this is some serious shit.

Word around the planet Earth is that if one talks to them-self then they are most likely to be a genius. Now this makes sense because I am a genius as I don’t function properly and geniuses never function properly. But I soon realized I’m not a genius as I read an article of this 19 year old boy who scored a perfect score of 2400 in his SATs and now universities like Harvard and Columbia are ASKING him to join them. It’ll take a blood sacrifice for me to get in, and this guy on the other hand has a choice as to which university he wants to go.
He is a true genius. I mean, who even gets perfect scores in their SATs and gets prestigious universities begging you to choose them?

So this proves that I’m a mere mortal who has a problem that only justifies the fact that I’m not sane. You can laugh at me and think this is a joke but I could only wish that this was one.

No one has ever heard me talk to myself though. I guess maybe because I do it mostly when I’m home alone or when no one is around. There have been a few instances when my mom has heard me murmuring but she thought that I was talking to her. Me being the great person I am, I will make sure she thinks that itself because I don’t want her to think she has a weirdo for a daughter. She might actually think I’m just making all this up but now you and I know that this is all part of my reality.

So, this is my confession about this weird little habit of mine. Do you have any sort of weird habits or confessions? A secret perhaps? I’m really good with secrets so your secret will be safe with me. I promise!

My Younger, Ignoramus Self

So today’s post is dedicated to my younger self. Well, I’m obviously not that old. But here when I say young, I mean the 8 year old me. I think in internet terms, this qualifies as a ‘throwback’ post.

Recently, I bought a huge pack of Pringles. Considering the facts that I was eating it after an entire year and I love the chips to a very high extent, I was jumping around the house with the packet in my hand. When I then sat down to eat it, my mom laughed and told me, “You do know that when you were small you hated Pringles right? We used to have tons of it in the house, but you’d refuse to even pick one up, let alone try it!”

I was in utter shock when I heard this. I couldn’t believe what she just said.

I hated Pringles. I hated Pringles. I disliked any chips for that matter.

While I was trying to recover by eating chips, I went into flashback mode. And then I realized what a fool I was as a kid. Why you might ask? Because I hated everything. Everything. Well, except for cartoons. Thank God for that.

Since I have a good memory (thanks Dad),  I remember a lot about my years as a kid. Maybe it’s an advantage of having such a memory or a disadvantage, I don’t really know. But I’m kind of stuck with all this useless information. I quite well remember what kind of a kid I was, and it bothers me a lot.

I remember I used to be this really fussy kid who refused to eat anything. All the treats that kids my age would enjoy, were the stuff I happily refused to even try! In my mind, they were all bad and I ignored my parents who always wanted me to try all of this.

My dad used to get me huge boxes of expensive chocolates and sweet treats of various kinds. I’d have loads of junk food and aerated drinks at home because we had family friends who owned all kinds of businesses. And also my parents believed it’d help me gain weight. But I ignored all of these things, which I absolutely love now. I don’t really know why I was such a kid. I don’t think I was in the right mind. I’d like to believe that my brain was being controlled by my nemesis who lives in a parallel universe.

I remember seeing my refrigerator stuffed with a hundred boxes of chocolates and ice-creams. Literally hundreds of them. But I always refused to even try one of them. I would always have my grumpy face on and just run away to my room whenever someone offered me a chocolate. And as a result all the chocolates that I beg my parents now to get me, used to be given away to my relatives who din’t even know what they were.

I remember this uncle of mine, who always used to get me a Snicker bar whenever he visited me. This is what used to happen.

Untitled Diagram (1)

Everytime!

It wasn’t always related to food you know? This ignorant side of me was prevalent for every single thing. And here comes another story.

When I was six, one of my friends gifted me a story book for my birthday. I really liked the cover of the book. It was really colourful and the pictures were really nice. For the first time I was interested in trying out something new, until I turned to the first page. It was hate at first sight. I just din’t want to read!
Many birthdays passed by, and I got a ton of books. I had a pile of them tucked away at some corner of a shelf. But I never touched even one of it as I never really wanted to read. Every time my mom used to clean the shelves, she would start sneezing really badly when the book shelf came next in line. That is how dusty it was because no one ever touched it.

I really was a weird, ignorant kid who hated everything fun. I din’t even like the word fun. I din’t like talking to anyone nor playing with anyone. I had this one best friend and I would only talk to her. Other than that, I only liked my cartoons and my school. Anything that din’t fit into these ‘interests’ of mine were discarded from my life with a click of my fingers. I never really took a step to at least try something new.

In short, this was me –

Untitled Diagram

If I could, then I would go back in time and smack my younger self (or defeat my nemesis so that I’d get the control of my brain back in my hands) which maybe will result in me being a better kid and then I would start actually enjoying what I had. I really feel so ashamed of my younger self most of the time.

I’ve obviously drastically changed now. I actually love chocolates so much that it is a significant part of me. The Snickers Bar that I used to hate with all my might is now my favourite chocolate bar. I love reading now and I cannot stand anyone mistreating books. The computer which was once my mortal enemy, is now what I love the most. So much that my career option has it in the center.

Well, right now I can’t do anything about my stupid younger self, but at least I learnt from my mistakes.
What are some things that you disliked about your younger self?

Normal is not how I roll

Lately I have been observing my behavior and reactions with different people and I realized something which I should’ve known earlier.

Before you jump to conclusions, yes I did say observe. I do that a lot. I can assure you that I’m not crazy. We all have weird characteristics right?

Back to the point now. As I said, I learnt something about myself which I somehow failed to know earlier. What I’ve just come to know is that…

*dramatic pause*

I go to the extremes of my emotions. Like extremely extreme. I don’t have a balance. My emotions and characteristics never find the middle path. They are always either on one extreme or the other. Its like my brain doesn’t understand what ‘normal’ means.

Isn’t this your reaction right now?

For a better understanding, I will now list a few of them :

  • I pride myself on my maturity. I’m really mature for my age and so I don’t speak or act like the others. Reasons why I’m called a grandma by some friends of mine. But whenever I try to loosen up, I immediately act like a four year old kid. I’ll start asking unnecessary questions and start bugging everyone. My maturity will vanish in thin air and nobody can stop me from making weird faces. I won’t ever be ‘normal’ which is the middle to all this.
  • If you are ever to see me, you’ll either see me with a smile or a frown. I believe I don’t have a straight face. Okay, I do have one but it only comes to play when I’m sarcastic. Other than that, I’m either extremely happy or extremely sad. I will either laugh at anything and everything, or cry and whine about every small little detail. You’ll never find me in between these extremes. NEVER!
  • I’m an extremely serious person. I will take everything seriously. Even a supposed joke at times. I think you can blame my maturity for that. But when I’m not serious, I’ll start neglecting everything and anything. Nothing is of importance to me, even the factors that really need serious attention. I’m way to care free and the result is always bad.
  • Being a foodie, I love food and that is the only thing good about my monotonous life. You’d think that this might be normal, but the fact that leads me to eat food (hunger I mean) isn’t always the same. Either I’ll be so hungry that I start hearing whales, or I’m not hungry at all so I won’t eat anything. Does my stomach have a normal day of balance between hungry and not hungry like normal people do? Naah.
  • I’ll either be thinking way too much, or I won’t think at all. This affects my daily life the most. I wonder why though….
  • There are days when I’m all grumpy and I will hate each and everything, and then there are days when I’m super hyper and I will even start hugging my chair. Are you expecting a normal day? Ah well, you’re wrong.

I don’t know if the above make any sense to you, because I seem to have just listed a few things in the name of ‘explanation’ but honestly they make no sense. I bet you’re more confused than you were before because I seem to be so right now. I even think a few points serve the same purpose, but then there is me who will type it anyway.

See? I told you I don’t have a balance in my life! I just rambled right now because I feel like talking a lot. Most definitely I won’t be talking at all tomorrow.

If there is a road that divides into three more roads which is one road to the left. one to the right and one to the middle, I’m more likely to either go on the right or the left one even if the map says to go straight. Because that is just how I function. And there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening!

Maybe this post’s aim was to tell you all how weird I am, or it just was a long pointless post – that’s for you to decide. But the main point is, yes I’m weird and have characteristics that are maybe unknown to mankind, but don’t we all have that? You have it too right? Right?

What did 2013 teach me?

Only a few more days are remaining for this year to get over and for another year to begin. I’m not gonna say the clichéd phrases such as “Oh My God this year passed by so fast!” or “Another year is getting over and I haven’t done anything in my life” because you and I both know that there is no truth in these irrelevant phrases. Every year has 365 days (or 366), 12 months, 8,766 hours (approx.), 525,949 minutes and 31,536,000 seconds. So there is no way that the year passed by fast. As for what you’ve done with your life, well only you know what you’ve done…

Now lets come to me. All I can say is that this year has proven to be quite an important one for me. It was like a roller-coaster ride with my highs and lows. And hopefully my all time high is going to approach very soon.
Anyways, this year saw a change in my family life, social life, educational life and also in my physical surroundings. In short, my whole life changed.

There was the major change of environment as we came back to India after me spending 16 and a half years in U.A.E. And well, that’s the cause of all the changes in my life. While most of the changes were bad, they did teach me a lot about me and my life. So I thought that as the year is nearing to an end, I think I should reflect on what all is it that this year has taught me.

  • I understood who I really am – From the past 5 years I’ve been known for who I was then. Being with the same people and never having time for myself, I was convinced that that was my true self. But when I came here ans got time to myself, I realized that I wasn’t who I was 5 years ago. I’ve changed a lot, and it is for the good.
  • I don’t have a best friend – I don’t have a huge group friends. The number of friends I have is equivalent to the number of fingers I have. I’ve always been close with them but I soon realized that the ‘best friend’ factor is missing from my life. Someone with whom I can share all the matters regarding me without any hesitation. The hunt is on though. Hopefully I’ll find one very soon!
  • My mom is the best thing in my life – All the times I wailed about why am I living such a life, she’s always been there with me. Whenever she has been upset, I’ve tried to cheer her up. We have become incredibly close this year. She’s always either fighting for me, fighting with me or laughing with me at various things and people. The level of respect I have for her has increased to infinity and I seriously don’t know what I would have done without her, or without all her courage and strength. I feel honoured that I am her daughter.
  • I will love chocolates for the rest of my life – My love for chocolates has increased now. Especially when I’m not able to eat them because they aren’t easily available here. Distance has made our bond stronger.
  • Don’t trust anyone too easily – I din’t really trust anyone easily before, but still my trust and friendship was broken with a few people. I think you can say that they forgot me when I shifted here. And to be honest, it hurt me a lot because I shared a large chunk of my life with them and now they just don’t talk to me like before. But I don’t care anymore because I believe it is their loss. They’re gonna miss me when I’m gone!
  • Apparently I’m funny – I’m always known as the serious one in my friend circle, hardly laughing at any jokes. But recently I’ve been called funny. I think it is a hidden talent of mine. Hidden because I haven’t found it yet!
  • There is no reason to be anxious around boys – I went to a girls school in U.A.E. and I din’t have a life outside school so I never had to face any boys so forget even talking. Now that I’m here and the school is co-ed and the place has so many boys around, my anxiety has disappeared. Yaaay!!
  • There is no harm in making new friends – Being socially-awkward, making friends isn’t very easy for me. But somehow I’ve mustered up a bit of courage and as a result I have new friends now!
  • It’s good to loosen up a bit – I’m a really serious person and I take everything seriously. My life has always been between the four walls of my room. But since last year, I’ve loosened up a lot. And for reasons as such I can enjoy life a bit more than I used to.
  • I have a really good memory – Someone asked me what my first memory was, and I said it is of my first birthday and everyone in that room was shocked. Time and again it has been proven that I have a really good memory. But I don’t why it doesn’t stay the same way for studies though…
  • I can forgive, but never forget – I had to do a lot of ‘forgive and forget’ this year. I always thought that I can do it easily but I can’t. I just can’t simply forgive someone let alone forget about it. Even if I do forgive someone, I just can’t forget what they did. Its not possible. Disadvantages of having a good memory I suppose.
  • Giving second chances is not my thing – When you have done something wrong to me, you can’t expect me to accept your apology and give you a second chance. What’s done is done. Giving you a second chance isn’t going to erase the fact that there was once something you did to me which wasn’t acceptable. And don’t tell me that ‘life gives you a second chance’. Life doesn’t give second chances to anyone. It only gives you new beginnings.
  • I have weird characteristics and habits – I’m not gonna elaborate on this. Nope.
  • The virtual world is a brilliant place – This virtual world has been the place where I turned to while I was sad, or the time when I was happy. Also the perfect world to fangirl. So this world has played a big role in my life so far.
  • Music means the world to me – Music has played an integral part of my life. Whether it was when I wanted to hit my brother on the head scream at my brother for annoying and irritating me so much, or when I wanted to transfer myself to a peaceful location, music has helped me do that.

So this is what this year has taught me, alongside a few trivial things which you needn’t know as you’d get bored even more. All in all, I’m thankful for this year because it taught me things I never thought I’d ever be able to learn. Some things are important in your life but you may never know. You’ll only realize their importance when you are forced to.

What did 2013 teach you? Was it something great, or something that you’ll never talk about ever again?

I’m not a Wallflower, I’m Socially Awkward

So I was talking to a friend recently (actually chatting on a social networking site. Internet has taken over the world) and she asked me asked me a few things.
She’s really popular in her school, and so is clearly a very social person. She also is a bit um…. how do I say in nice words…. a little less intelligent than the average man. So she thinks every homo sapien on this planet loves socializing because she does so. She thought I also love parties which apparently everyone loves, but was surprised to learn that I hate parties and so stating that I’m not a ‘party animal’. The following conversation took place then :
Her : Why do you hate parties? Parties are so much fun!! You meet so many amazing people!
Me : Erm, I’m socially – awkward. I think you get the point now.
Her : Why did you choose to be socially – awkward? That’s no fun!

So she thinks I chose to be socially – awkward which actually isn’t true, or maybe it is. All I know is that if I am told to socialize people, I will choose the easier option to just run away from the place. Anxiety gets the best of me and well, I don’t talk to people a lot. (Friends and family not included obviously) Sometimes I wonder how do I even have friends. I think they talked to me first and then it continued because there is no way I talked first.
Sometimes I guess anxiety isn’t the main reason for my social-awkwardness. I think its because I kind of hate people (please don’t kill me, please don’t. I love the people of the blogging world. I do!!). Its just that people are so judgmental and always poking their unwanted nose in my business and it gets irritating. Also there are weird people roaming around aimlessly and it bugs me. You’ll go and talk to them thinking they are ‘nice people’ and after an hour you are stuck with them and regretting the decision of extending that hand first.

My close friends though find it a bit surprising that I’m so. I’m called the ‘glue that sticks the group together’ and ‘the most sociable person’! -blinks awkwardly- Maybe because once I’m in my comfort zone and I know I have eliminated all the weird people out of my vicinity, I will start talking and then you can’t shut me up if you point a gun at me!! I will talk about almost anything to you if you share the same enthusiasm that I have and also talk back to me.

Then the conversation between my friend and I continued. But I was shocked when she said,
“So basically you are a Wallflower right? That is so cool! OMG!! I saw Perks Of Being A Wallflower, and that was such a fantastic movie! Logan Lerman played the character of a Wallflower right? He was so awesome!! I wish I was a Wallflower as well. My life would be so awesome. Just like Charlie 😀 ”

How is that she thinks being a wallflower and being socially-awkward is the same? Its not the first time I’ve heard this though. After watching the movie most of the people around me thought this and I cannot tell you how many times some friends of mine have called me a wallflower. And today I will put a stop to this.

So you see? There is a clear difference. I might be socially-awkward and shy, but I definitely don’t go un-noticed at a party. People come towards to me, but I just shoo them away. I don’t talk to a lot of people not because no one talks to me, but actually I don’t want to talk to them because I fear of what they will think about me. I’m not proud of being a socially – awkward person, it isn’t good. But I’ve learnt to embrace it rather than run away from the obvious fact. I’m trying to mend myself because it seems this isn’t good and I get constant shoutings from my mother.

So please, don’t ever get the thought that these two terms are the same. Its kind of weird if you think so. And I’m pretty sure you are not the bad type of weird.

P.S. I have nothing against the movie or the book. I absolutely loved the movie. Infact I still do 😀